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They Let Me Go

About a year ago, I received this text from G before 6 AM: “They let me go.”

I remember the time because I had just gotten up and was in the kitchen about to eat breakfast. “They” was the Arkansas State Capitol Police, and for me it was a relief. For my husband, at the time, it was the end of the world.

If you ever met him, you would know that he was the ultimate law enforcement officer. He was one of the good ones. In 2005 he was named the Little Rock Police Department Officer of the Year. He was an officer who was never afraid to apprehend anyone doing the wrong thing. A year into our marriage, he broke his wrist chasing a suspect, and even commandeered a kid’s bike to chase a bad guy. The next time you see him, ask him to tell you the story.

If everyone took as much pride in their profession as G, the world would be much better off. There have been dark days, including two shootings (where he was found justified) and having to stand guard during the George Floyd times of unrest, but he would tell you that it was the job.

If he was so good at what he did then why was he let go? That’s the $64,000 question. Arkansas is an at-will employment state, meaning that “an employer can end the employment relationship for any reason, or no reason at all, as long as they don’t do it for an illegal reason” (Taken from the Association of Arkansas Counties website). That day, he was told that his services were no longer needed.

Looking back, I saw signs that “they” wanted him to leave, but when you love what you do, you’ll pretty much do anything to stay. Before he was let go, he was demoted from sergeant to corporal, relegated to a midnight shift, and he often had this thought that leadership was out to get him. Not everyone could have endured that. G believed that policing was his calling and he would show up no matter the schedule.

October 2023 to February 2024 was a dark time in our lives. While I believed that this separation of employment was a good thing, I had to understand that my husband was hurt and resentful for good reason. It wasn’t enough for me to tell him I loved him no matter what he did for a living, he wanted closure, which he has yet to get.

He has tried unsuccessfully to file a wrongful termination claim with the EEOC and that’s okay. One reaps what one sows. We aren’t waiting for bad things to happen to anyone, but I truly believe that karma is real.

If you are at a crossroads for whatever reason, you will eventually be okay. I’m grateful for trusted family and friends who held us up with prayer. Thank God we were able to continue to live within our means during that time.

My husband will always be a law enforcement officer in his heart, but frankly, “they” don’t deserve him. He’s in a much better place. He’s now in a position where he has holidays and weekends off, and he can be my plus one if we choose. To the good law enforcement officers out there who continue to fight the good fight, press on. To those who oppress the good ones, well, you’ll eventually get yours.

At some point I will write a book chronicling the good and bad, but until then, I’m going to continue to give God the glory for bringing us through this past year and for always being our source of protection. I can truly say, I don’t look like what I’ve been through.

#ksmithsays

The Power of a Good Reputation

Since last week I have been touched by the response from many regarding G’s separation from the Arkansas State Capitol Police. In a sense, I’m processing all of this a year later and have chosen to write about it as therapy, and if it helps someone else, that’s even better.

At the time, I immediately went into crisis mode. I made a few phone calls those first few days to let people know what happened, which possibly changed the course of our lives for the better. I’m grateful to those family and friends who prayed and cried with us and kept us encouraged. More importantly, if we had kept it to ourselves no one would have been in a position to help.

I have been asked by a few where G has landed, and when the time is right I will publicly share. Just know that we have moved forward and that aspect of our lives is over.

However, using this platform, I want to share a few things in retrospect. First, your name is everything. If you’ve maintained a stellar reputation, even complete strangers won’t hesitate to help you.

My husband wasn’t a perfect law enforcement officer, but he had earned a great reputation and because of that, he had no problems garnering support when he was suddenly thrust into the job market after 20 plus years. It’s important how we carry ourselves as we go about our work because we never know who’s watching. How many times have you been asked to write a letter of reference or asked to make a call, and because of that person’s record, you did it without meeting them?

To those friends who took the time to help us, thank you. A Facebook friend kindly took the time to assist us in our time of need. She didn’t know G from a can of paint, but because she knew of him through my social media (namely that he was Dottie, DiDi and Darbie’s daddy) that he had to be a great person! When we are seen trying to help ourselves, people want to be a part of our journey.

On the flip side, when one asks for help and then turns around and squanders an opportunity, that can be detrimental to one’s reputation. I once went out of my way to help someone to find a position, only for them to tell me several months after working there, “You know I hate that job, right?” I thought to myself, “Excuse me? I thought I was helping you provide for your family.” It felt like a slap to the face. Now that I think about it, I wasn’t directly asked to help. I went out of my way because I knew they needed a job. Maybe if they had sought their own opportunity it would have been a different outcome, but I digress.

It’s a blessing to be able to pick up the phone or send an email for help and it is given. If you’re out in the job market, I would encourage you to develop a work ethic so that someone doesn’t have to think twice if they’re asked to submit a recommendation on your behalf. If you’re the beneficiary of this support, be sure to thank them. Saying thanks goes a long way. Plus, it’s the right thing to do and confirms the fact that you’re a solid person with a good reputation.

#ksmithsays

Inside Out

This pic was from G’s 40th birthday 12 years ago in Vegas. This dress is still hanging up in my closet. I can still wear it but it fits a bit differently because there’s a bit more of me to love nowadays. While I have given away several items over the years, I’m still hanging onto it because it’s silk and I paid a pretty penny for it at one of my favorite boutiques. Do I think that at some point I will wear this again in public? I don’t think I will. While it still fits and many women my age wouldn’t think twice about wearing something like this, at this point in my life this isn’t the look for me anymore.

I’ve decided that I’m going to leave some outfits to the youngins. Before you take offense, I’m not saying that older women should stay away from wearing something like this (well maybe I am). As a woman that is over 50, it’s okay that I have aged out of some styles. By no means am I saying I need to resort to moumous, but I don’t see myself wearing skin tight jeans when I’m 80, even if I could. The other day, I felt foolish because I was wearing a fitted tee with skinny jeans and some sneakers. While I felt confident in my choice, I still thought, “Am I too old for this?” I guess one should wear what they feel comfortable in, but at some point one’s age should factor into your clothing choices.

What’s most important though is my comfort with how I feel within. The woman in this photo was at the end of her 30s and had just found her voice and the ability to say no after almost three decades of feeling like she had to make excuses for why she couldn’t be all things to all people. She felt bad if she couldn’t be present at every professional and personal engagement and didn’t like being alone on Friday nights. Fast forward to today, I’m much more comfortable in my skin. I truly love you if you invite me somewhere on a Friday and I show up.

But back to this little black dress, or at least the idea of it. For me, clothes convey a message. For me, I don’t need to wear that LBD for me to feel confident. I want to continue in the next decade of my life without being afraid of showing signs of getting older.

I feel like we are still clinging to the fountain of youth. If you have children, I promise you that it’s okay if you look like their mother rather than their sister. Men, I’m talking to you, too. There’s nothing more hilarious to me than an older guy wearing jeans with bling-y back pockets.

No matter what you do, pretty please: wear the appropriate foundational garments and that’s half the battle. Go to a store and have someone to measure you for the correct bra size. Don’t wear a one-shoulder outfit if you don’t have a bra that’s going to hold up both sides.

But hey, y’all go ahead and wear what you wanna wear. I just hope that you feel good on the inside, too.

#ksmithsays

Mom’s Silver Anniversary

Twenty five years ago, my mother passed away. In anticipation of this, I typed up a long blog entry that described her last day, but it made me sad, and that’s not what I want to see pop up as a memory in the future.

I would much rather remember the happy times. At that time I was 25, in the midst of planning a wedding that would take place the following September, and working at the second full time position in my young career. Before she left, Mom was in on the big decisions regarding my wedding: my dress, the wedding location, and a few aspects of the day. I tucked her blue handkerchief into my sleeve as my “something old and something blue.”

I’ve shared before that her last gift to me was independence, as I had never lived alone until her passing. Looking back, Mom equipped me with the skills I needed to survive. She encouraged me to pay attention to how I felt and that everyone wasn’t my friend. My goodness, how right she was in a few key instances!

She knew I loved her and I am grateful for the 57 years she had here. I’m also grateful that she is no longer in pain because at the time of her death, she was a very sick lady. She loved G and even though she wasn’t thrilled with his career choice, she was proud of the man he grew to become. My siblings and I weren’t always close, so she would be happy to know that we now have an active group text chat and have fun together. Some of you who “really” know me know this is truly monumental.

I often say that I don’t have many regrets in my life, but I sure wish that I had video footage of her. Back then I had a video camera but I never filmed her. I don’t think she cared about home videos but I should have insisted. Oh well. I have a cassette tape of her singing at church that I listen to every once in a while. While my friends have countless videos on their phones of their parents, I’m literally holding onto the memories I have in my mind. Cherish your people while you can.

Here’s to you, Miss Lou.

#ksmithsays

Mom when she was in high school, the two of us when I was three, when I was 11, and one of our last photos together

Mom’s Last Gift

This is the 24th Mother’s Day that my mom has been away, and as I have shared before, these times are mostly happier than sad. Today, I’d like to think of the last gift that she gave me in her absence: independence.

G and I dated for quite some time and Mom knew him and loved him. While she wasn’t thrilled with his choice to go into law enforcement (because she knew it was a demanding job) I believe she was happy that her baby girl was in a loving relationship and wholeheartedly supported us. He proposed in December 1998 and she passed away in April of 1999, five months before our wedding in September. Before she left, she was involved in the big details: she helped me pick out my wedding dress, knew where I would be married, helped me decide what type of wedding I wanted to have, etc.

In the back of my mind, I wanted to experience (or at least I thought I did) what it was like to live alone, as I stayed home while I was in college. For me, it was the most affordable option because if not, I would have had to work full time or take out loans while I was in school, and both of those would have prevented me from graduating when I planned. I have no regrets and needed to be at home because during that time her health took several turns, so I am thankful that I was able to be there for those ER runs and hospital stays.

Mom and I toured several apartment complexes and I wanted her opinion about where I would be living. I don’t believe that I explicitly stated that the apartment that she was helping me find would be for G and I to live in before we married, so as far as she was concerned, she was helping to find my home as a married woman. I remember it like yesterday when Greg and I decided to break the news to her together. She was sitting in her favorite chair watching television. It went exactly like this:

I said, “Mom, Greg and I have decided that we are going to move in together before the wedding and we wanted you to know before we sign anything.”

She replied calmly, “No, you’re not.”

That was the end of it. We didn’t try to convince her because nothing we said would have changed her mind. She reminded me that we had plenty of time and we wouldn’t be saving the money we thought we would by moving in together. While that might have been okay for some parents to accept, Lou Hattie Wallace wasn’t having it. I knew all too well what “No, you’re not” meant, and I was not going to challenge it.

On April 12, 1999, Mom passed away and suddenly, I was alone in the house. While I stayed by myself during her hospital stays, this was a different feeling because I knew that she would never return. It was a drastic change, and for the first few weeks, Greg stayed with me because I was in a fog that eventually lifted. For approximately five months, I learned to survive on my own. Truth be told, had I moved out of the family home into Greg’s apartment, I wouldn’t have known what it was like to live by myself anyway. I wasn’t truly alone because my brothers and their families lived behind us and literally up the street, but for the first time it was me navigating life; paying utility bills, making my own food (boy how I miss Mom’s cooking) and learning to be okay with being by myself. This is not how I wanted to experience living alone, but when I think about it, it was what I needed. I would encourage anyone to experience life “on your own,” whether it is living in a dorm, apartment, or even your own home for a time before living with anyone, especially your spouse. I am much better for it.

Thanks, Mom, for that final gift. It means more to me than you’ll ever know, but I think you knew all along.

#ksmithsays

In Memory of Mike

Some time ago I wrote about how thankful I was for the existing friendships in my life. If I recall correctly, it was during the pandemic and it wasn’t lost on me how important it was to appreciate the special relationships because tomorrow isn’t promised. Last week, a group of my high school classmates celebrated our 50th birthdays and it is amazing to have had such long friendships. Honestly up to this point, I think I’ve been too lackadaisical about turning 50.

However, my attitude about this changed somewhat when I was met with the sad news of the passing of a friend of mine, Mike B, who lost his battle with brain cancer. Ever since it happened, I’ve had trouble putting into words how I feel about the fact that he is no longer living. Even as I write this I’m still in disbelief to some degree.

I would like to thank the public school system because without that, I doubt that we would have ever crossed paths. I’ve known him since elementary school, had classes with him from junior and high school, attended his college graduation, started the party by doing The Electric Slide at his wedding reception, and watched his children grow up from a distance.

I don’t think Michael knew how many loved him. I remember when we were juniors in high school and senior girls started noticing how cute he was. Even then, I don’t think he understood that he was one of a kind. Truly, he was one of the nicest people I would ever know. I don’t recall ever hearing him yell, even though I’m sure he had his share of irritants especially during the days of his illness.

Over the past 20 or so years, we were a part of an unlikely quartet that went to lunch every so often, and then we started meeting for happy hour gatherings. I say that our foursome was unlikely because of what you see in this pic: two Black women and two Caucasian men. The last few years made it hard for us to gather as often because one of us moved out of state and it was hard to find a time to connect as our families grew. During the pandemic, we even met via Zoom. It wasn’t the same as a personal connection, but it was good to see them and laugh with them.

I remember sending the guys a text one day and asking them, “Okay, as white guys, what do you think of this?” and getting a kick out of their answers. To this day I don’t recall what the actual question was, but how cool is it to have friends who stand at the ready to offer an opinion with no judgment? There were also times when I hoped that as a Black woman I helped them to understand a particular situation from my perspective, whether it was about my hair or about being treated unfairly in society.

In many ways we had much in common and in others, obviously we couldn’t be more different. I’ve enjoyed learning from each of them and hearing their perspectives on everything from politics to marriage to child rearing. A few of those happy hours included our spouses, and one of the last ones was at Woody’s home, which allowed Mike and his wife to bring their kids while Woody’s older kids watched over them.

For me our quartet didn’t seem strange. It only occurred to me that it was a bit different when I told people about it. Was it because it was a grouping of people of a different color or because some don’t think that men and women can be friends? Nevertheless, a part of our circle is missing and it’s unsettling to say the least. I still have our group text thread that I will hold on to for a good long while. It’s chock full of randomness that I will treasure.

I’m thankful that I’m sad that my friend is no longer here because it means that I had a cherished friendship that enriched my life. This past October, I was blessed to have been able to help him celebrate his 50th birthday. That would be the last time I saw him. I understand that the last few months were difficult for him, but he still maintained his witty sense of humor as best he could. We still communicated via text messages and through friends and he knew I loved him and he loved G and me.

So turning 50 will hit much differently than I initially thought. I will take with it thoughts of gratefulness that I’ve had the privilege of being a part of an unlikely group of people who each brought something magnificent to my life. The next time we gather, whenever it will be, I know that we will toast our friend and will remember him fondly. Love you always, Mike B.

#ksmithsays

Sunday Randomness

The other week we were sidelined by “ice” in central Arkansas. It seemed that my timeline was split between friends who were mad that they had to stay home and those who weren’t. I enjoy where I work but I also enjoyed being home. Remember when there was no pressure to work or have school when there was a snow day? The pandemic taught us that work can go on, but I feel that it robbed us of knowing when to pause. I know, I know: it would have been better if there was snow and there was something to enjoy. We can’t control the weather but we can surely be thankful for a forced break.
Mr. Smith has a more extensive skin care regimen than I do. On his side of the bathroom is a plethora of name brand products for pretty much everything. I guess my eyes were looking extra saggy one morning and he applied some kind of serum followed by some more stuff. I have purchased masks, a contraption to use a few times a week and I still fail to use it consistently. I’m a work in progress and still use skin cream that I can buy from Dollar General.
After a slight case of FOMO with regard to HBO’s House of the Dragon, I binged the Game of Thrones after failing to catch on when it premiered. I can see what all the fuss was about now. This sounds terrible, but it was downright exhilarating seeing some characters die. I won’t reveal the character’s name in case you want to watch or are currently watching, but it was so satisfying to see him meet his fate that I couldn’t contain my glee. After I finished the series, I realized that GOT, although it took place a long time ago, is chock full of the same things happening today: the pursuit of power is still incredibly important to some (especially when they feel that they are entitled to it), women are objectified and used as pawns, and eventually people will get their comeuppance. I ended up watching House of Dragons and liked it. No mo’ FOMO.
Beyoncé announced her tour dates amid much ballyhoo over ticket prices. I saw her back in 2007 and will let that be my lasting memory of her performing live. I’m good with it. There was much uproar for her not winning the Album of the Year Grammy, but maybe her music isn’t that thought provoking. I dance whenever I hear “Cuff It” and the few others I’ve heard on the radio. That being said, I haven’t listened to Renaissance, but maybe the winner was simply better. I’m holding out for Sade’s return and then I’ll probably shell out some major dough. Beyhive, please don’t publicly flog me for my opinion. I applaud her for doing her thing and getting paid for it. Handsomely.
Speaking of musicians, I watched a lot of the awards show the other night. I remember the not so distant past when we were spellbound by a singer who was appropriately attired rather than being caught off guard by what they were wearing. Why can’t we just sing with our clothes on? Is the general public that shallow that we can’t be wowed by sheer talent?

#ksmithsays

Thanksgiving Random Thoughts

I’m thankful for new experiences. I’m grateful to have been able to quash the sometimes panicked voices in my head to overcome whatever the struggle was at the time.

I’m thankful for being able to speak up for myself and others. I’ve learned over the years that if I don’t, I will become resentful and that is not healthy.

I’m thankful that my husband is my biggest cheerleader. If you asked him, he would say the same about me. I understand that isn’t always the case. I’m grateful.

I’m thankful that I’ve never gathered with a group of friends and a fight broke out. If this is a regular occurrence for you, you might want to find some friends who don’t fight.

I’m thankful that I don’t feel the need to go Black Friday shopping, either in person or online. If I get one more email about how I can shop now I’m going to scream.

I’m thankful for true friendship. There’s no further explanation needed.

I’m thankful for great music. Music unites us; no matter your political persuasion, you’re going to move when you hear Lionel Richie’s “All Night Long,” or “Sweet Dreams” by the Eurythmics. (I just watched the Rock ‘N Roll Hall of Fame)

I’m thankful for peace of mind. I’ve said this before, and it bears repeating. I remember Mom saying this and I never understood it, but believe me I know what she meant now.

I could go on and on, but the point is that we should count our blessings. I find that when I spend more time doing that, I don’t have time to think about what is lacking in my life.

#ksmithsays

Baby It’s Cold Outside

I’ve been told that I’ve been fighting a losing battle with my prom posts and that’s probably true. I don’t think that some parents care nor understand what looks best, but I want to talk about something related since it’s cold outside. Would you please make sure that the babies have a decent coat? Pretty please?

I was at the Capitol the other day and saw a young lady dressed for some kind of special occasion. She was wearing a cocktail dress, cute little sandals and (cue a scratched vinyl record here) a Nike coat. Not one of the dressier ones from their collection, but one that she would wear on a regular school day. I’m glad the baby was covered up. It was better than being cold on a 40 degree day.

I’ve noticed this with little girls going to daddy-daughter dances, with girls going to quinceaneras, young ladies going to winter formals as well as women going to holiday soirées. This is happening in every age group.

Something is better than nothing when it’s as cold as it is (we are currently in a cold snap) so if that’s all you have, please wear it. However, most of you reading this have the financial resources to buy whatever you want, so spend a few coins on a nice coat for the chilluns and for yourself.

Men and boys are doing it, too. If the young man isn’t wearing a suit for a special occasion, make sure he has a nice coat to wear. Chances are many of you have a village full of family and friends who have more than one coat in their closets. They would be happy to loan little Susie or Chuck a coat for the high school dance, so don’t be afraid to ask. If you don’t have a village and you know me, please let me know so I can help. I know plenty of generous people who would be happy to assist.

It’s all about priorities. If you’re spending a grip on some shoes your young people are going to outgrow, shouldn’t you add a decent coat to that list, too? Buy it larger so they’ll have a few years maybe. When you take the time to select a nice coat, think of it as putting the cherry on top of a banana split. It’s the perfect complement. Also, people will see that Nike coat before they see that beautiful dress or suit, so give them something to see!

#ksmithsays

“I Can’t Make You Love Me”

If you lost your cell phone and had no way of retrieving all of your contacts, how would you go about rebuilding your database? It’s unlikely that would ever happen since all of our data lives in the “cloud,” but it got me to thinking. Who can I call in an emergency? Who wants to share in my highs and lows? Who would I want to share anything that is happening with me?

What sparked this thought was something that I saw on a friend’s Facebook page: “If you’re not invited, don’t go. If you’re not told, don’t ask. A late invitation is an afterthought because you were never top of mind.” I’ve added a bit of my takeaway to it, but I’ve been thinking about that ever since I read it.

Years ago, I wasn’t invited to a work colleague’s birthday party and when I found out I was hurt. Upon finding out, I went out of my way to buy them a gift in an effort to let them know that I knew that I wasn’t invited to their little soirée. All it accomplished was me being out of $50 to give to someone who didn’t care about me in the first place. I’m sure they appreciated a gift that they didn’t see coming, but was I invited to their party the next year? The year after that? Nope. I was never a part of their plan.

In retrospect I’m thankful for growth, but back then, that was all-consuming. I’m pretty sure that I told G about it and he most likely told me not to waste my time, but of course I didn’t listen. I had a point to prove, dangit! I failed to understand that I was wasting my time trying to be in a circle of friends who never accepted me as part of their clique. Over time, I’ve come to embrace my own circle, as small or as large as it happens to be depending on the circumstance. That database I referred to earlier? It begins and ends with them.

Now when I find that I wasn’t invited to something, I don’t feel slighted. I prefer to think of it as time that doesn’t need to be reclaimed and money saved. If I was top of mind, I would have been on the list. I would like to also mention that just because you’re invited doesn’t mean you have to go. If you can’t make it, you don’t need to make an excuse as to why you can’t go. Unless you want the person to know the reason a simple, “Thanks for inviting me but I can’t make it” will do.

If you’re still stewing over being left out, think of the words of the great Bonnie Raitt: “I can’t make you love me if you don’t.”

#ksmithsays