ksmithsays

Thoughts on Netflix’s Dahmer

Like many of you, I watched Dahmer on Netflix. In 1991 when these gruesome crimes were discovered, I remember hearing about it, but I didn’t spend a lot of time learning much about him. At that time I was a high school graduate and was preparing to start my freshman year of college. Now that I have finished it, I have several thoughts. I know that the writers took artistic license, but these are a few of my observations.

We make judgments about people based on how they look. To look at him, Jeffrey Dahmer appeared to be a straight laced guy with his glasses and almost nerdy looking haircut. The judge told him that he reminded him of his grandson who made a mistake but had cleaned up his act and was gainfully employed. He said that he didn’t seem like someone who needed to go to prison, so he allowed him to work while he was incarcerated. I’m wondering if he looked different than the judge would he be given the same consideration?
When it comes to those we love, sometimes we see what we want to see. There were several instances when his family explained away his behavior. I’m pretty sure that I have done the same for those who are special to me.
A man who got away from Dahmer went to the police to report that he was drugging people at the bath houses in Milwaukee, but they didn’t believe him. When the detective told him that he didn’t find anything after questioning Dahmer, the guy who got away said, “So you’re going to believe a white guy with a criminal record over a black guy who doesn’t have one?” I can say more about that but I’m going to stop there.
The absence of love in one’s formative years (or during any time really) can often lead to disaster. According to the series his parents split when he was young. It didn’t appear that he spent much time with his mother, and his father didn’t fill that void. If we demonstrated love to one another, our world would be a much better place.
I’m not sure if the storyline of Anthony Hughes, one of his victims, was true, but if so, it made me sad. The audience got to see the makings of a friendship between the two of them, but Jeff couldn’t allow himself to trust that Anthony would love him. To piggyback on the previous point, if you don’t see love shown to you, you may not know how to love and be loved.
Thirty years ago it was lost on me that the majority of his victims were men of color. I have watched a bit of another documentary about him and he didn’t profile by color; he was attracted to a man’s build.
As a woman with a husband, I take it for granted that I can publicly show my affection for G without ridicule from others. To be a member of the LGBTQ+ community in the late 80s and early 90s in the midst of the AIDS epidemic had to have been tough to say the least. If you were a Black man in that community it had to have been doubly difficult.
I was astounded to learn that when Dahmer went to prison, he developed a following. I’m amazed that people would be drawn to a man who did all the things that he did, but aren’t we still captivated by those who seem unworthy?
I was surprised by the judge’s refusal to allow Jeff’s brain to be studied. I guess in his view we should have just accepted how he was, but what if scientists found that he was missing something vital? Oh well. A missed opportunity in my view but I understand that there’s much that I don’t understand about that situation.
Will we ever have an honest conversation about mental health? There is no shame in seeking help. I have, and I’m so glad I did, and if I need to again, I’m thankful to not be embarrassed to admit it.

My heart goes out to the victims of Jeffrey Dahmer because I don’t think their stories will ever be told. According to the documentary, there was never a memorial built to celebrate their lives or to educate. May their families somehow find peace with how their loved ones left this earth.

#ksmithsays

For Homecoming Escorts

I am a bit late with this season’s homecoming thoughts because of my day job. For the most part I have seen the usual: short dresses, young ladies in the traditional pose (all huddled up together touching elbows while slightly bending) and boys wearing too short pants with no socks. I’m never going to like too short pants with shoes that look like slippers, but I guess that’s the current style. I hope you’re at least teaching the young ladies how to sit since their dresses are so short, but that’s not the point of this entry.

When young ladies are chosen to be a part of the homecoming court, they are typically escorted by their fathers (or a male escort), and more and more I’m seeing mothers serving as escorts. I think it’s awesome for both mothers and fathers to serve, so let’s explore appropriate clothing for both men and women.

For both male and female escorts, please make sure that you complement the homecoming maid. What does this mean? If the young lady is wearing pink, please wear a coordinating color. I’ve googled a color wheel before to make sure that I don’t make a fashion misstep. I’ve also texted friends to make sure something looked okay before stepping out on the town. In other words, do not clash with the young lady you’re there to support.

Sir, this isn’t the time to break out that gaudy plaid vest suit or some fluorescent color that doesn’t go with the young lady is wearing. I know that men also want to express themselves through fashion, but it’s not about you on that night. Please do not arrive looking like you just left the deer woods either. Put forth an effort.

Ma’am, just because you can wear a dress that rivals J Lo at the Grammys doesn’t mean you should. A friend of mine showed me a pic of a young lady who looked great, but her female escort looked like was going to the club. Her dress was short with a plunging neckline. Not cocktail short: SHORT. A nice dress or pantsuit is just fine for you, ma’am. You’re not the homecoming maid. SHE is.

This is not the time to show your ex that you finally lost weight because they were holding you back or that you look young enough to be your daughter’s sibling. While you may feel like you have a point to prove, this is not your time. Again, you are there to support your young lady and not distract from her.

Y’all go ahead and continue to wear what you want to wear though. Whether you want to admit it or not, how you dress yourselves matters.

#ksmithsays

Step By Step

I don’t care much for heights. I’ve climbed Pinnacle Mountain a few times and I’ve never enjoyed it. I love to see my friends take pictures with their loved ones after they have climbed to the top, but I’ve always been too nervous. A few months ago I had the opportunity to fly in a C-130, also known as a Blackhawk jet, and while it was thrilling and beautiful from that vantage point, I sat perfectly still and smiled while others were snapping pictures and videos.

When my friend Lott declared that he wanted to climb Dunn’s River Falls in Ocho Rios, Jamaica, for his 50th birthday, I went along despite my inner turmoil. Besides, how bad could it be? If you’ve never heard of it, it’s one of the most popular attractions in the Caribbean. You can either climb through the falls or walk alongside it on dry land. Twenty three years ago on our honeymoon cruise, G and I traveled there and saw people holding hands while they climbed. At the time, we couldn’t afford to pay for the excursion and saved a couple hundred bucks and paid a taxi driver to take us there instead. We walked a bit of the trail and were happy to have seen what all the fuss was about.

I didn’t do much research to remind myself just what I was getting myself into; my friend said he wanted to go, so I threw caution to the wind. Plus, this climb was the only thing standing between me and rum punch and the Jamaican meat pie on the “booze cruise” on the way back.

We were told that the entire climb was 900 plus feet, but a Google search states that it is 180 feet high and 600 feet long.

Okay.

No matter the distance I said to myself, “No big deal. I’ve got my people with me.”

Okay. Off we went.

Our excursion included a guide, who told us where to step and reminded us to be careful. I was between Lott and Greg, and soon after I realized that G could handle himself, I held onto Lott’s hand for dear life. Not because I couldn’t physically handle it mind you; my nerves were increasingly getting the best of me. I didn’t stop to look to see how beautiful the falls looked as I climbed. I kept looking forward, but not too far up for fear that I would decide to take the steps down and wait for everyone to finish going all the way to the top.

We all congratulated ourselves for finishing. There were no “happy” pics of me as I climbed, so for visual interest I decided to share this photo of the four of us before we really got started. You can see the falls behind us.

For me, I’m not sure if I would have been as physically able to climb 23 years ago but at the same I don’t think that I would have thought twice about climbing back then because I took more chances. I also can’t ride the Tilt-a-Whirl at the state fair like I used to so there’s that. I eventually made it, one step at a time. It didn’t come without a good dose of positive self-talk though. These are my takeaways:

What a blessing it is to have the activity of my limbs
How awesome to have friends that you will blindly do things for despite being terrified
There’s a reason why we should expose kids to different things so that they don’t grow up feeling afraid to take risks
My husband didn’t mind me leaving him for another guy temporarily
It’s never too late to conquer your fears. As far as I’m concerned, Dunn’s River Falls was as tall as Mount Everest.

Last thought: life comes at us fast and we must approach it one day at a time, one step at a time.

#ksmithsays

Opinions are like ___holes and everybody’s got one

If you’ve known me longer than five minutes, you might have read my thoughts regarding prom wear, and last week I tackled the topic of school clothes. I was inspired, you might say, by a young woman at a big box store who was in front of me in the line to exit the store, who was dressed in a spaghetti-strapped bodysuit that wasn’t snapped at the closure and jeans. An acquaintance took me to task for posting the pic and even said I should “do better” and that I was shaming the person. Realizing that I hadn’t considered posting wasn’t appropriate because I didn’t have the person’s permission, I deleted the pic which unfortunately deleted the post on my personal page.

I started to delete the comment right after I read it, but I wanted to respond to them publicly after I gave some thought to what I would say. I sent them a message because I felt that they made a lot of inferences that I wanted to address. Not surprisingly, they responded in a not so favorable way, and I apparently lost an acquaintance. Bless their heart.

I started KSmithSays about a year ago after writing about anything from prom dresses and interview attire to truly random thoughts at the suggestion of many. My law enforcement hubby isn’t a fan of me putting myself out there; he’s a natural protector and isn’t on social media and wishes I wasn’t either. I only post about him with his permission. I don’t consider myself a controversial person, but I don’t mind sharing what I think. I’m flattered when friends text me pictures to ask what I think of their daughters or sons in their prom finery. We help each other.

Although this person took the time to share their feelings on this subject, I do realize that most people don’t give a bleep about what I think. In fact, I don’t think that most of my close friends even read what I write. That’s fine! I write for myself. I didn’t start this blog business because I need positive reinforcement. I don’t expect to change any minds, but I do enjoy the conversation and everyone’s perspective. Whether or not this person was having a bad day, whatever they read or thought they read struck a nerve and that’s okay. I’m sorry for them that they let something I wrote occupy space in their brain.

They’re not the only ones who have unfriended me and they won’t be the last. Remember when we could disagree with people (most of the time it was in person) and continue to be friends? It’s so easy in our world now to run off at the mouth and let our fingers go to town on the keyboard and spout off jibberish without repercussions. I hope that our children learn that the best way to air grievances is through a conversation rather than a text or post.

A friend said that I should have countered with, “Who hurt you?” It’s likely that something happened to the person either directly or indirectly that triggered such a negative response and I ended up being the target of their ire. I think what they were trying to say in all the finger-pointing is that the onus of what to wear and dressing appropriately often falls on girls while boys often get away with not being policed by a dress code. I don’t disagree with that sentiment. If that’s what they meant I won’t know, but it would have led to a great discussion.

Whatever the case, even though their difference of opinion was expressed in a disrespectful manner, I can still respect the difference itself. If I saw them on the street, I would still greet them, and hope that they find peace.

Is the world a better place because of something I’ve written? Likely not, but I’m going to keep sharing. I know that I’m not “full of shit” as that person said as their parting shot. As a lovely friend told me, “If you’re not bothering someone, you’re not doing enough.”

If you feel so inclined, follow my page at ksmithsays.com. Even share with someone if you feel led to do so. You don’t have to agree with me; I hope what you read might make you think of something in a whole new way.

#ksmithsays

School Clothes

This post is primarily about girls because I’m a woman, and I don’t see inappropriate clothing so much in boys. For the boy moms and dads, make sure they keep their pants up. I get so tired of seeing underwear instead of shorts or jeans. Do girls like this? Before I go down a rabbit hole, let me address this pic.

On my weekly big box store run yesterday, I was walking behind this young lady which made me think that I have shared my opinion many times over about prom dresses. G tells me that I’m fighting a losing battle and he might be right. Not that anyone would pay any attention to what I think about what kids wear everyday but I have thoughts.

I have heard from more than one parent that it’s hard to find shirts that aren’t cropped and I believe it. A mom whose children go to a private school in the area told me that moms are shortening uniform skirts. I have also seen pics of four and five year-olds dressed up to look like grown women. It’s not cute. At. All. I feel like the only options in stores now are clothes that you would wear on “Jersey Shore” or either “The Handmaid’s Tale” and nothing in between.

Don’t we tend to act better when we are well dressed? Maybe it’s just me, but I’m a lot more playful in shorts than I am in a business suit. Don’t you think Sally Sue or Billy Ray would act better if they wore clothes that covered them and didn’t hug their every curve or muscle?

Even if they are 17 year-olds and look much older, kids are still kids. I was downright flabbergasted at what I saw some of them wearing last year. I am not talking about what girls might have changed into when they left the house. I’m talking about what you as parents proudly posted as back to school pics. As your kids head back to school, I really only have two tips:

School is not the beach, so we don’t need to see anyone’s stomach. No further discussion.

I know you might have to dress a child that is built like a woman, but her jeans don’t have to be so tight that it leaves absolutely nothing to the imagination. Mom used to make sure I had “room to grow” when we went back to school shopping.

I know some of your kids saved up to buy their own clothes. So? That still doesn’t mean that they can buy whatever they want. Left up to their own devices, some of them will make poor choices. They have the rest of their lives to look “grown up.” Just tell them that I said they can express themselves when they can afford to do so, like when they’re out of your house.

This young lady looked a bit older than school age, but I wouldn’t be surprised if a high schooler saw her and didn’t see a big deal. I wanted to tell her that her bodysuit is supposed to be snapped at the closure and would look best under something a bit dressier than some holey jeans, but what do I know? I understand that I’m an old lady and I can put my opinion where the “sun don’t shine” but that doesn’t keep me from sharing it.

#ksmithsays

Choices Then and Now

On the way to and from church today, my mind wandered about the things that may have consumed my mother’s attention when she was my age. When she was 49, she was working as a substitute teacher in the Pulaski County Special School District, carting me from piano lessons in North Little Rock to UALR for Academy Orchestra rehearsals every Saturday, all the while trying to figure out how she could afford to pay her medical bills because they were beginning to mount because her diabetes had spawned into other conditions. Little did she know that in less than 10 years she would no longer be here.

There’s a meme of a woman who is in obvious distress on several of my friends’ timelines that says “me trying to excel in my career, maintain a social life, drink enough water, exercise, text everyone back, survive, and be happy.” Gosh, I can relate to each of those! In the here and now, those are legitimate concerns. While I don’t have children, my life is plenty complicated. But still, if that was all Mom had to handle, she might laugh at me for trying to do such things that would probably seem trivial to her.

Isn’t that the way it’s supposed to be though? Each generation should have less to worry about than the last? Without a doubt Mom would say that she prayed so hard while on this earth so her children would have a better life than she lived. She would probably have no regrets in spite of her circumstances and would encourage us to make sound personal and professional choices.

For many of you reading this, inflation might be an annoyance, but you’re most likely not wondering how you’re going to put gas in your vehicle. If you have children, you might be struggling with whether to send them to a public or private school or university, or where is the best place to buy their uniforms or how you’ll help them decorate their dorm. You have a taste for something other than what’s in your fridge and you have the means of getting it without having to make too many adjustments in other areas. Maybe you have to decide to stay stateside, or you’re going to go to Mexico instead of a locale farther out of the country. For some of us, the most difficult decision you’re going to make today is deciding to purchase that brand new SUV or save a few thousand on the 2020 version. I could go on but you get the idea. Please don’t think I’m minimizing anyone’s struggle; we are each built differently and live according to our choices.

When it hit me how blessed I am, I felt a profound sense of gratitude. I could wake up in the morning faced with a completely different set of challenges, and I hope that I would deal with them head on, just as Mom did.

For now, may the hardest decision you have to make is what color to choose for your mani/pedi.

#ksmithsays

Randomness on a Sunday Morning

I have enjoyed seeing pics of my friends and their travels. I have identified some places I would like to visit in the future! As much as I am interested in your pics, I’m probably only going to look at 12 of the many pics you post. Try as I might, after the 13th or 15th pic, my mind begins to wander. Keep posting, friends! They’ll return in your memories and you’ll be glad you did. I just missed out on that 30th pic of you doing such and such from a different angle.
Speaking of vacation, do you have someone watching your house when you’re away? As you post each day that you’re gone, it seems like it’s an open invitation to criminals that your house is available to rob. Maybe I’m the only one thinking this. I think my law enforcement husband is rubbing off on me.
I haven’t listened to Beyoncé’s new album and it’s unlikely that I will. Furthermore, I can’t think of the last album I listened to in its entirety. She’s a great singer and performer; I’ll just listen to it on the radio. I’m sure I’ll hear whatever song a million times.
After finally watching the Netflix show Stranger Things (it’s good!), ain’t no way (I’m using “ain’t” emphatically) my friends or I could get away with not checking in with our parents. Of course I wasn’t slick enough to say I was at a friend’s house while I was somewhere else so there’s that, too.
Along those same lines, a recent Facebook post in several of my friends’ timelines about members of Generation X made me think how much it applied to me. Most days after school I came home to an empty house. I didn’t necessarily need to be cajoled into doing my homework. I have trouble using shorthand in text messages. In fact, I learned recently that I don’t have to end a text with a period and quite frankly, that troubles me. I’m also going to continue to type two spaces after a period.

#ksmithsays

Happy Father’s Day, Dad

It’s Father’s Day and that day doesn’t conjure up many fond memories for me. My dad passed away in 2015 due to kidney failure, but ultimately from dementia.

Dad was an old school man. He believed in working hard. There was no doubt that he loved his family. Somehow he didn’t know how to say it. For years I resented him for it. In previous writings I shared that in the last weeks of his life I made peace with him. The last three or four years of his life, it was difficult to communicate with him because he didn’t fully understand because dementia robbed him of his ability to speak.

Growing up, it was hard to talk to him. I felt like anytime I asked him a question, it felt to me like I was a nuisance to him. I guess that was just his way. Over time, he became more pleasant. I think that signaled the beginning of his illness. However at the same time I realized I should be more accepting. After Greg and I married, if there was something minor that needed to be fixed at our house, I called him occasionally, and he was happy to oblige.

That was his way of loving. I wish I’d figured this out sooner rather than later. I spent so much time waiting for him to say “I love you,” that I missed all of those times that he said it in other ways.

Even in Dad’s kinder and gentler time, he was still stubborn. During this time I noticed that every time I saw him he was wearing the same thing. Not the same kind of outfit, but literally the same thing. When I voiced my concern, he was resistant and downright refused to go to the doctor. Although he worked as a pharmacy tech for years, he was deeply distrustful of any kind of medication. We even staged an intervention after he got lost driving for the third time, but it was unsuccessful.

In retrospect, I think that his resistance to me was largely because of my strong resemblance to my mother. There were times when I saw him give me a double take, and in the last years of his life when he couldn’t speak, I would imagine that he would have asked me why I came back thinking that I was his deceased wife.

Somehow over the years their relationship suffered and I don’t know why. I certainly knew how my mother felt but I wish that in his last days he had the presence of mind to have a candid conversation. Most of all though, I’m thankful that I’m at a point in my life that I’m able to celebrate my father for the man that he was, not for the man I wanted him to be.

Happy Father’s Day to all the men out there who are often misunderstood and are just trying to do the best they can.

#ksmithsays

What I Want For My Friend

Disclaimer: I am not a relationship expert, nor do I claim to be an expert of any kind. I’m a person who has opinions and doesn’t mind sharing.

A few days ago a friend told me that they liked someone. I was happy for him because no one deserves to be in a healthy relationship more than he. Then came the bombshell: the lady is married.

I listened as he recounted that she is on the road to divorce and that her husband doesn’t respect her and she felt like she deserved to be happy after so long. Totally get that. My friend also said that he wasn’t going to be that person that dated someone who is still married, and told the lady that he wouldn’t entertain going any further until she was no longer married. Yet, I’m just now hearing about this and it seems that they are both smitten.

He was expecting me to fuss because others did. I didn’t.

While I didn’t fuss, I told him that there’s not much of a future with someone who is with someone else. I’m not a hopeless romantic, but I will admit to cheering for Olivia and Fitz even though I knew he was married to Mellie, but that was on Scandal and no “real” people were harmed by their relationship. But what happens when “real” people enter the mix? If monogamy doesn’t matter, then so be it I guess? In this instance, I know it matters to my friend.

He deserves to be loved. Truth be told, I’ve wanted him to be in a loving relationship for some time now, but I’m not one of those people who pries and asks, “So who are you dating now?” For him to share that he likes someone at this time is monumental.

I want him to be in a relationship where he is cherished.

I want him to be able to snuggle with his lady in a restaurant and not have to look over his shoulder, or pretend not to see someone he knows.

I want him to be with someone and not be worried if someone else’s world would be shattered if he is seen with her.

I want him to be the first person the woman thinks about on Valentine’s Day and not have to wait until February 15 to spend quality time with her.

I want him to wake up on Christmas morning with her and open the gift that she bought especially for him, rather than have to celebrate it early or late.

I know: you can’t help who you are attracted to, and far be it from me to tell anyone what to do. I also know that things are complicated.

To be honest, I don’t want my friend to be complacent with being what is called a “side piece.” Yeah. I said it. While some men and women claim that it’s no big deal, isn’t it? Is anyone really happy knowing that they must share the person they like/love with someone else?

#ksmithsays

Graduation is over, so what now?

Now that prom and graduation season is over, what happens next? If you’ve graduated from either high school or college, or if you are considering a job change, here are some things that might come in handy as you begin the interview process. Please share this with someone you know who may be entering the job market.

Research the company that has the position and be prepared to share a bit about the company in the interview. I’ve done my share of interviewing and I’m always surprised when the applicant is asked, “Why do you want to work here?” and they can’t tell me anything that lets me know why they want to work in a certain place.

Be honest with yourself. If you don’t like working with people, then you may not want to go into sales or any public facing position. If you interview to be a cook and you hate cooking, why bother to accept the job? This may sound like common sense, but trust me, it’s not. However, if you realize that you might be a better fit in another part of the company, ask your supervisor how you can move. I realize that not everyone has a good relationship with people they report to, but if it’s a progressive place, the person in charge will be receptive. Trust me, s/he probably has a good idea that you’re looking based on your performance in your current position, so it wouldn’t be a surprise if you asked.

Do your best after you get the job. Don’t do the bare minimum. My personal goal is to always be as prepared as I can so that I can keep my “I don’t knows” to a minimum. If I truly don’t know something, it’s my responsibility to follow up with an answer. To go along with the previous point, show that you’re worthy of being considered for the next level.

It seems like it’s a worker’s market out there. Companies are now having to provide incentives to sway folks to work. Good for them I guess. I’ve been in my current position for almost six years, and that’s not normal. A lot of people I know have changed jobs at least twice in that amount of time. I’m a bit more cautious and I guess it’s the Generation X in me. I also think that there’s a different work ethic depending on which generation you belong to, but I’ll leave that alone for now and will accept that it’s possibly only my experience.

Lastly, if you really want a job, it’s a nice touch to write a thank you note. (You should do this when people do nice things for you in general, especially when you receive gifts, but that’s another blog for another day.)

When I interviewed for my last position, I walked out to my car, wrote notes and took them back and asked them to be delivered. As an added bonus, include something about the interview that the person would recall from your time together. Even if you’re told that you’re guaranteed the job, don’t take it for granted. Play the game. I’m watching to see if you do that, because it’s a fairly good indicator of how you’ll perform after you’re offered the job.

Before you do all that, make sure you’re dressed professionally, no matter what position you want. Check a previous blog entry for how to be interview ready. You know I’m always down for a consult in that regard.

#ksmithsays