Is it Really a Village?

In response to the fact that two 18 year-olds were responsible for two different mass shootings in less than a week’s time, I posed the question, “What’s going on with 18 year-olds these days?” I received a number of responses, and one that stood out to me was this: “…Please bring back parents and neighbors who don’t mind being nosey and will stay in their kids’ business. How these kids are able to acquire these militaristic weapons with such ease is troubling to me.” I would add to this that parents should appreciate it when they see concerned adults disciplining their children.

At every parent-teacher conference, my mom said her standard line: “Mr/s {insert name here}, you have my permission to discipline Kristi if she steps out of line.” Not only did she tell my teachers that, she told folks in the neighborhood, fellow church members, and anybody who would listen the same thing. A number of you had that same experience. I think that the majority of people that Mom entrusted with this information were well-meaning.

Do moms and dads still tell teachers this? I get it; there are adults that take advantage of our children and parents sometimes have a hard time knowing who they can trust. Years ago, I was at church and this kid was sitting directly in front of me and was acting up. (First of all, kids don’t need to sit by themselves at church or anyplace for that matter, and if they do, shouldn’t they be well-behaved?) His mother was sitting behind us a few pews back and saw me ask him to be quiet, and said loudly, “Don’t you tell my son anything,” shaking her finger at me for added emphasis.

Obviously I was shocked at the mother’s reaction. Whenever I see her now, I always wonder how her kid turned out.  I’m sure I’m not the only one who has had this experience. Shocked that a parent would say this and even in front of their kids. I’ve had to remind myself that all parents aren’t like Mom and I should just keep my mouth shut when I see kids doing something they shouldn’t. 

On a return flight to Little Rock from a recent trip, my mouth opened up faster than my mind could stop it. “Young man,” I said as G took a deep breath. “You should wait until the aisle in front of you exits and then you go!” While others around me looked along in curious amazement, I would like to think that they had my back. The older kid said, “We are trying to get to our mom and dad,” to which I just shook my head. I thought, “Why would a mom and dad ride up front and let their kids ride at the back of the plane? Wouldn’t the mom ride up front with one kid and the dad ride in the back with the other?” But, hey, who am I to ask or even care I guess. I took a risk that the parents of those kids would have acted just like that mean mother from years ago, but I don’t think they heard me accost their kids. They could have been little badasses, but they weren’t, no doubt cussing me in their minds. I probably should have kept my mouth shut in retrospect.

I wholeheartedly believe that kids should be kids, but when they’re literally running around with scissors and we ignore them, we can’t be wondering how and why they cut themselves. I’m not saying that those two gunmen didn’t have a Mom like mine, but it takes a village to raise up our children. If I say something to your child, know it’s because I care. I don’t want them growing up to be a butt, and you shouldn’t either. Some of y’all know that your kids are terrible but you don’t want anyone telling you anything about it. Everyone’s not wrong. Right?

#ksmithsays

Thoughts on Graduation

Disclaimer: I don’t have kids, and my opinion on this topic might likely upset you. It is your prerogative to continue to read. This is my opinion.

Now that prom season is over, I’ve come to some realizations. For one, things are a LOT different than in my day in terms of what is considered to be classy. Also, parents are spending an exorbitant amount on prom wear, and traditions are changing to some degree.  My timelines were full of magnificent displays of pageantry showing beautiful gowns with prom goers pictured in a variety of places from the Arkansas State Capitol to the Clinton Presidential Center and in a lot of cases these scenes were captured by a professional photographer. 

An educator friend shared this on a recent blog entry: “This {prom} sometimes is unfortunately the penultimate celebration for some. Their kids are entering the workforce and all too often there is no outlook that includes marriage and the like. Also, these kids are strong in their individuality and like individual experiences.”

Her statement drives the point home that we might need to change our focus and more emphasis should be placed on what happens after graduation. When I was 17, graduation was the apex of my high school experience. I remember getting my cap and gown and being so excited. I’ve talked to parents who have shared that when it comes to commencement, their kids can take it or leave it.

Is it because by the time they graduate, they’ve already “graduated” many times already? Why are we celebrating moving from Pre-K to kindergarten, from kindergarten to middle school, then middle school to high school? This is expected! I’ll admit that it’s downright precious to see your littles in their tiny caps and gowns, but I don’t blame them for being over it by the time high school graduation comes around. While you’re spending so much money on each of these experiences, are you telling little Jack and Diane that you expect them to keep up their grades and be good citizens, or are we just getting caught up in posting pictures on social media?

I understand that college isn’t for everyone. My brothers elected to go into the military and that was the best choice for them, while my sister and I chose the college route. Mom told us we had to get an education and that was the expectation. My parents spent a grip on clothes for us, but they spent even more on tutors if we needed it. If you’re investing more on lashes, hair, phones and expensive cars, and your child can’t read or write, we might be focused on the wrong things. Even if your child is a genius, it’s not worth going broke trying to keep up with others.

By no means am I telling you how to spend your money, so if that’s your takeaway, your nose is out of joint about the wrong thing. I know: easy for me to say. As I’m reminded by many of you, parenting is hard.

#ksmithsays

Happy Mother’s Day…if it applies

You might know that I am also known as Dottie and DiDi’s Mommy, who are my two adorable miniature schnauzers who sometimes get dragged into my shenanigans. They are my babies.  Over the years I’ve been told that I should have had children for a variety of reasons, and while I know that they have meant well, it’s insensitive and annoying. 

In the early days of our marriage, Greg and I were asked constantly, “When are you going to start a family?” I don’t remember how I responded back then, but I’ve learned not to ask couples that question. You don’t know the struggles that women have faced because they may have wanted to give birth only to be told that they are unable to. The last thing she wants to hear from you is that she needs to get busy trying because she’s not getting any younger. Can you see how that might rub someone the wrong way? Recently I responded with “I can’t have them,” and that person immediately felt bad. I should have been saying that all along!

“You need to have a baby so you can have someone to love you unconditionally.” Really? How exactly does that work? I’m pretty sure that Dottie and DiDi love me unconditionally because they are dogs. No matter how you try, you can’t make a human being love you that way, even if you gave birth to them. I guess that’s something that one should strive to do as they raise a child, but in my opinion, that’s not a compelling reason to have a baby.

Today is an emotional day for many women because of the pressure that we place on them. I’ve learned to say “Happy Mother’s Day if it applies,” because there are many of us who are bonus moms, aunties, godmothers, cousins, you name it, and have indeed served in that role. 

Today is likely the first Mother’s Day without your mother for some of you. Rather than cry because my own mom is not physically here with me to celebrate her, I prefer to think of the life lessons she imparted to me that give me strength on days like this when my timelines are full of pic after pic of my friends with their precious moms. May you find comfort in the memories and remember fondly the lessons your mother taught you.

Don’t let people make you feel some type of way because you chose not to have babies of your own. They don’t know your story, and you don’t have to share it.

Happy Mother’s Day…if it applies!

#ksmithsays

Prom Tips for Young Men

A friend posted that she was selling her son’s prom getup from last year. If I had a son, it wouldn’t be anything that I would want him to wear, but I realize that I’m set in my ways and have trouble accepting that boys might like to show off their sense of style through prom wear. So rather than dismiss the trendy styles as Pee Wee Herman-like, I might as well come to grips with it. Did you know that there are specific names for the parts of the suit coat? Mind blowing, isn’t it? I consulted the ol’ Google and stumbled upon a website called “The Anatomy of a Suit Jacket” by Gentlemen’s Gazette, which is chock full of great information that I didn’t know, so it’s worth checking out. Since I’m a woman, I tend to focus more on young ladies, but here are a few tips for young men. Feel free to share this with your son/grandson/nephew:

  1. If you purchased a tuxedo or jacket and didn’t rent it, please make sure to remove the designer label on the sleeve as well as the strings that are attached to the vents (or the flaps that are on the back of the jacket. Absolutely no one needs to know what size you wear or who made it. NO ONE!  In most cases the string will be a completely different color, which should tip you off to cut it, but we have all seen boys/men with the strings still affixed to the jacket. Be careful not to cut the jacket when you remove the string. 
  2. Take the time to find out what your date is wearing if you’re going to strike out and wear an embellished jacket. Remember John Witherspoon in the movie Boomerang saying, “You need to coooo-oordinate!” If I were a young lady going to prom today, you better believe that I would insist that my date show me what he plans to wear. Shoot, I do that with Mr. Smith now. Who wants to look mismatched? 
  3. Let’s talk about pant length. I do not like pants that show ankles. (Surprise, surprise!) If that’s your thing, would you pretty-please put lotion on those ankles? Mr. Smith suggests that if you’re to wear a shorter pant, wear some fashionable socks. Better yet, wear some traditional pants and DO NOT SAG UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. Yes, I feel strongly about that as you can tell. 
  4. I absolutely abhor dress shoes that aren’t lace-ups for proms and weddings, but if you must wear them, make sure that they go with what you’re wearing. I get that you want to stand out, but refer to number 2. 
  5. I have many friends that are boy moms, and one thing that I hear often is that when they are a certain age, they sometimes still have to encourage their sons to bathe. Don’t be that guy that looks good and thought that he could cover up funk with some cologne. That’s a surefire way to have an early evening. 
  6. Use good manners. I still think it’s nice when young men open car doors, pull out chairs, etc. In other words, don’t be a knucklehead if you are normally. Be on your best behavior. Say “yes, ma’am,” or “no, sir,” etc. I’ll bet your date would appreciate it. Young ladies need to be on their best behavior, too. I mean heck, don’t we all need to be nice all the time?
  7. Figure out what looks good on you. I say this to young ladies and it goes for young men, too. If you don’t feel comfortable looking like rappers at the Grammy’s, stick with a traditional tuxedo. You can’t go wrong with that look in my opinion, but you might guess that I’m more of a traditionalist in this case.
  8. This goes for both young ladies and young men. Don’t pressure your date to do anything they don’t want to do. This post is mostly about what to wear, so I’m going to leave it to your parents to teach you the importance of respecting one’s personal space. 

I would love to hear what tips you have for young men headed out to prom. It’s that time of year and I’m looking forward to what I will see. 

#ksmithsays

A Word About KBJ

I have been trying for some time to write something poignant about the Senate confirmation hearings for Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson ever since they began. I tried to watch but I was immediately triggered in a negative way, so I decided against it. I must say that after watching a few soundbites that I admire her ability to remain resolute with all she had to endure. If anything, the nation has borne witness yet again to the struggles of the Black woman.  In my work, I’ve experienced people not wanting to talk to me or my Black colleagues just because we are Black. Is this a surprise to me? Not by a longshot. We mitigate this by working with our Caucasian colleagues to achieve the intended results. Yes, in the Year of Our Lord 2022, this is still an issue. 

A few years ago, I was leaving a lunch spot and in walked a Caucasion man with whom I was more than familiar, and had even exchanged hugs in my time of knowing him. That day, I noticed that he reached out his hand for a handshake. I quickly picked up on the sudden change. What was the difference? The man’s father was behind him and now that I think about it, looking at me disapprovingly.  It is worth noting that in the times since I saw this man without his father, he went back to greeting me with the hugs that I thought were the norm. My mother had this phrase, “stick a pin in it,” that meant that you should remember anything from a certain thing in conversation to how a person treats you. Ever since that interaction, whenever I’ve seen him, I remember that phrase. 

Do I think that this man is racist? I wouldn’t go that far. Could it have been that the man didn’t want his father to see him hugging another woman, regardless of race? Meh, I kinda doubt that. Do I think he cared that his father would have seen him hugging a Black woman? Absolutely.  If I want to be real with myself, I have probably experienced this without me even realizing it. I’m willing to bet that this man’s father grew up with housekeepers who looked like me. I liken his father’s glance at me to those conducting Judge Brown Jackson’s hearings. How could such a qualified person be wrapped in such packaging? 

My mom worked as a housekeeper and literally worked her fingers to the bone so I didn’t have to, and for that I am eternally grateful. My siblings and I had the best that she and my dad could provide. Due to their sacrifices, we had an opportunity. Lots of Black women are responsible for raising children in affluent neighborhoods and made and continue to make a respectable living doing it as housekeepers, and I have the utmost respect for the profession.  

I said all of that to say this: people of color are fit to be more than housekeepers and thought of as lesser than.  As a Black woman, it is exhausting to go through life with society persistently second-guessing your accomplishments. I’m not expecting to change any minds with this writing, but please understand that at some point, everyone, meaning all genders, races, colors, or any descriptors I can’t think to include here, needs an opportunity. Please stop thinking that only one group is fit to serve in prestigious positions! In fact, to do so is unfair to little girls (of all hues) who grow up to be women who feel like they shouldn’t even try because women who are rock stars in their respective fields are dragged through the proverbial mud. We are fit to lead. We are fit to judge.

#ksmithsays

Prom Dress Shopping? Stop, Look and Read!

Seeing all of the winter formal dresses means that prom will be here before you know it. I know a number of you are already looking or have already found dresses for this rite of passage. If you are a mom/grandma(whatever cool name you want to be called)/aunt/dad/sister/whoever is buying this dress and you don’t know where to begin, let me help:

  1. Don’t be fooled. Don’t let the dress wearer make you think that all the girls are wearing low-cut dresses/so tight you can see what they’re thinking/so short that they have to continually pull their dress down, etc. Even if they are, that doesn’t mean that you have to buy it for them.
  2. Take an honest assessment. This is an opportunity for her to look her very best, so let’s figure out the best fit for her body type. If you need help, please ask someone you trust who has some fashion sense. Sheesh, I could write a year’s worth of thoughts about this.
  3. The dress wearer is NOT an adult, and you should not allow her to look as such. I realize that a lot of young ladies have very adult-looking bodies, but they are still adolescents. They are seeing grown up images wherever they look, and it’s left up to you to stand firm.
  4. Sometimes dresses need to be altered for them to be perfect. Gifted people can add a piece of fabric to a low-cut dress, sew up that slit so it’s not up to her underwear, hem it up so she doesn’t have to hold it to keep from tripping, etc.
  5. As the purchaser of the dress, under no circumstances should you live vicariously through this experience! What do I mean? Because you couldn’t wear a risqué dress when you went to prom doesn’t mean that you should let the dress wearer live out your wildest dreams. I’ve seen this on my very own timeline, friends, so I know that it happens.
  6. Be open to receive the truth. A mother sent me some choices for her daughter to wear for homecoming. One was very age appropriate and the other was not. Wouldn’t ya know it? She chose to buy the tight adult-looking one. I was disappointed but not at all surprised.
  7. You’re not “the worst” if the dress wearer is being pouty if you buy the dress that doesn’t reveal all of her goodies. You didn’t always get your way when you were a kid so why should she?
  8. Turn this experience into a teachable moment.
  9. Enjoy the process.
  10. Still need help? You know where to find me.

Have tips of your own? Share them here!

#ksmithsays

If There’s a Sign

There are some things that you might not think you need to state, like, “Caution, fire is hot!” or “Slippery when wet,” but there’s a reason those things are in place: because someone will try.  It’s necessary language for those that aren’t the sharpest tools in the shed, as well as for those who are. 

Until the last few months if you asked me if I was a great communicator I would answer, “Of course!” Now I’m not so sure. I will say that I have clear expectations in my head that I may not always say or document. Those are two different things. 

Let me share something: I sometimes make the mistake that others care about things as much as I do. 

Guess what? 

Sometimes people don’t. 

How do I mitigate that? 

By being as expressive as I can and by setting internal goals for myself and what I want to achieve from what I have stated. 

That means staying on top of things. 

That’s not always easy, my friends. 

I recently read The Essential Art of Self-Care by Cheryl Richardson, and it opened my eyes to a lot of things that I can do to make things easier on myself. One of those is to be as expressive as I can and to let folks know what I need. Gone are the days when I hold things in and let things go. Nope. I’m not talking about complaining either. I’m talking about constructive conversation that will lead to things getting done. 

I certainly thought I was already good at this (just ask G) but I’m learning there’s some development for me in that area. Unless you tell people what you will accept and what you won’t, they’ll keep doing things as you allow them to do. I think women (maybe men, too, but I’m not a man so I can’t speak to how they feel) have a tendency to accept things and keep moving, but as soon as a woman starts speaking up for herself, she gets branded as aggressive and bitchy. That’s not fair. If I’m clear about my needs, I’m a woman who knows what she wants. Plain and simple. 

#ksmithsays

What topics would you like to read more about from KSmithSays? Let me know!

Mission: Organization

A few weeks ago, a work colleague told me about “Get Organized with The Home Edit,” a Netflix show with the ladies who are organizational gurus. I guess I’ve been under a rock, but I apparently missed following them on social media. If you’ve been thinking about getting organized or decluttering, they are worth a follow. This show has been around a bit, and I assure you that there’s not an organizational issue that they can’t solve. I think they strike a nice balance; from helping actress Eva Longoria with her son’s closet to restoring order to the kitchen of a family of four, there’s a struggle to which we can all relate.

A few weeks ago, I reorganized the cabinet that houses pantry items. We have been in our house for over five years and in that amount of time, I have never had a solid system for how those items needed to be stored. It turned into an abyss of various foods that were haphazardly placed on shelves. In fact, things were stored in such randomness that I ended up placing canned goods in a spare bedroom closet. That’s just pitiful because there is ample storage in the cabinet. I cannot begin to convey how fulfilling it is to have completed this project.

I knew that this had to be done, but I had to be in the right frame of mind, but more importantly, I had to figure out where to begin. It helped that I was able to do this on my own terms without unwanted input from the peanut gallery. I took my time, figured out what needed to be tossed, and devised a plan for what I planned to keep. Now, everything has its own place and I know exactly what’s in there. I should mention that the peanut gallery is in fact a willing participant in helping to keep the pantry organized, so that’s a bonus. 

My plan is to organize each closet at home in the next few months including my clothes closet. I have an awareness of what’s in there, but I know I’m not wearing half of what’s in there. At best, I probably wear 20 percent. I might take you on that journey with me when I’m ready. My office closet needs some organization, too. I’m on the lockout for some matching clear storage bins because that gives me great joy. I’ve learned that if I can’t see what I need, I keep buying the same old stuff, which makes things even more cluttered. 

This exercise has been good for me in a lot of ways. By clearing things out of my closet, it’s almost like I’m freeing a lot of things from my mind as well. If you know of any economical storage solutions, please share them with me.

#ksmithsays

@thehomeedit

Happy Valentine’s Day

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Repost: The first year we were married, Greg arranged to have flowers delivered but they didn’t arrive until the next day. It was such a let down and I was so upset that I wrote the florist and told them that they ruined our first Valentine’s Day. Maybe that was a bit dramatic, but to me it was a big deal. (The owner later called me and apologized and gave us enough credit for a nice bouquet.)

After that experience, we decided that we wouldn’t place so much emphasis on Valentine’s Day. We will give each other cards most of the time(!), but usually we don’t do much and that’s okay.

Frankly, if I had to wait for a single day to be told that I am loved, I’d be a horrible person. I’m not knocking grandiose celebrations, and please don’t take it as such. I prefer those “just because” gifts to be more meaningful. Don’t mind me as I’m an old married lady.

As long as the person you’re with treats you lovingly all year, feel free to bask in the love you deserve on the day that’s set aside for it. For those who don’t have a special someone, please know that you are loved. Remember, an extravagant gift display on social media doesn’t always equate to the same amount of love given.

Happy Valentine’s Day, y’all.

#ksmithsays

It’s Winter Formal Time

Recently I ran into a friend who was visiting a seamstress because her daughter needed a dress for her upcoming winter formal. She said that her daughter was less than thrilled about the dress that she picked out, and although she was wearing a mask, I could tell that she wasn’t exactly excited. I also got the idea she wasn’t completely sold on it because she was still looking online while waiting. When she found one she liked, my friend told her, “We’re done.” My oh my, I’m sure this scenario has occurred in your household, too.

If I had to guess, my friend’s daughter didn’t like the fact that she was there for the seamstress to make the slit less high. From what I could see, the dress looked adorable on her. She is tinier than I ever thought about being when I was her age, and it fit her perfectly. My friend said that her daughter wanted more of a V neckline, too, and the dress had more of a modest cut up top. It had spaghetti straps, so it showed enough for a young lady her age. 

I’m proud of my friend for sticking to her guns despite her daughter’s dismay. I know it’s not easy to stay resolute when kids decry that it’s the end of the world when they don’t get their way. I guarantee that her daughter wants a different look because of what she sees on a daily basis. I’m constantly disappointed when I see young ladies looking like they should be in a music video rather than the school dance. I think we need to do a better job of letting them know that it’s not necessary to show everythang (yes, I meant to spell it that way). I believe that when she sees how beautiful she looks, she will forget about the high slit and the deep V neckline she wanted. Back in my day, this dress was the bee’s knees. I doubt any teenage girl would touch a dress with sequins now, but I thought I had it goin’ on. I was sufficiently covered, but I don’t think I looked like a prude either. (Never mind the shoulder pads. It was a thing back in 1991.)

Let’s use this as a teaching moment. I find that while I have definite ideas of what is appropriate, I’m finding that not everyone else has the same thing in mind. While you’re shopping for the perfect winter formal dress, please consider whether or not it is age appropriate. Just because a young lady has the body to wear something that an adult would wear doesn’t mean they should wear it. By no means am I saying that they need to look like handmaids, but it’s our job as adults to let kids know that they are kids. Until they are old enough to make grown up decisions (and able to buy their own dresses), they can wear tasteful dresses that don’t show all their boobies and booties. They’ll have plenty of time for that after high school. They’ll look at you as if you’re the worst parent ever, but you’re not. With there being so many activities they have taken part in from when they were very young, it’s easy for them to think that it’s just another this or that. Each event is the chance to look extra sophisticated. Leave the hoochiness for another time. 

#ksmithsays