ksmithsays

First and Finest

For my friends who know nothing about Black Greek fraternities and sororities, you may be seeing a lot of posts during this time celebrating the establishment of these organizations. I am a member of Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority, Incorporated, and today marks 114 years of service to all mankind. I’m going to speak for myself and not anyone else, but when I joined, it was my intention to be a member for life. In October I will celebrate 29 years as a member.

Why is it such a big deal for members to celebrate such days? Need I remind you, that in 1908, someone like me would not have been accepted into a Pan-Hellenic (primary Caucusian) sorority. Thus, the ladies who formed Alpha Kappa Alpha on the campus of Howard University were trailblazers and paved the way for other organizations. They had basically been told that they weren’t welcome in already established organizations, despite their educational and extracurricular achievements. Have you heard this song and dance before?

Alpha Kappa Alpha has been an important training ground for me. I have been given opportunities to introduce sorority leaders, entrusted with planning my home chapter’s charter day celebration, and in a variety of other different roles. I was given those opportunities because other members saw potential in me, nurtured me and provided me with sisterly guidance over the years. I suppose if I were not an AKA I would still have had a chance to sharpen my proverbial teeth on similar projects, but it has been a joy to serve with my many sisters. During this pandemic, I have missed serving alongside my sisters, so during this time I have reminisced on our many travels to regional conferences, international meetings, and countless chapter meetings.

You might recognize some of my sorority sisters. Vice President Kamala Harris, astronaut Mae Jemison, the beloved Maya Angelou, actress Phyllicia Rashad, one of NASA’s Hidden Figures Katharine Johnson, and many others are all members of Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority, Incorporated. We proudly wear our shades of pink and green and pearls. As I type this, I’m wearing pearls with a Nike top. Pearls are always in order.

Thanks to social media, you might now have a greater awareness of what today means. It’s more than wearing letters. It’s about the foresight of college women back in 1908 who were motivated to serve, who created their own way and excelled in the process. So glad that Ethel Hedgemon Lyle and her friends were not deterred when they were told no. Thanks to them, many women of color, primarily Black women, have been allowed to shine in their own space, only for the world to see the talent emerge from this mighty organization.

Happy Founders’ Day, ladies!

#ksmithsays

A Word About Entitlement

About the Ahmaud Arbery verdict: it’s a shame that the nation was holding its collective breath and hoping that the jury would convict. I can’t speak for the nation, but I certainly thought that there have been times when a jury of supposed peers should have gotten something right, only to have gotten it wrong. I hoped that the jury saw those men as those who felt a sense of entitlement by taking another’s life simply because they didn’t think he belonged in their neighborhood.

Hopefully, Ahmaud’s family can rest a little easier, well, as much as they can knowing that they will never see him again because he was taken away so violently. The incriminating video (as much as I could watch) seemed to show the sheer joy of the hunt of this young man. I saw a soundbite of one of Ahmaud’s family members saying that he will always remember how he lost his life. I hate to say that I’m grateful that the video exists, but without it, would we be here discussing the convictions today? Doubtful. Also, just how horrible do you have to be to see it happen, much less record it? The friend didn’t think or say, “Hey guys, I think this is crossing the line. This is just not right.” I believe they honestly thought that someone like Ahmaud did not deserve to breathe the same air. What else could it be?

When we learned about this two years ago, an old friend said that if Ahmaud had a gun, he would have stood a greater chance of defending himself. How? Seems to me that the blame would have been placed on him for jogging with a firearm. By the way, who jogs with a gun, unless you’re up to no good? Moreover, if you’re going to “crime” while jogging, wouldn’t you have a weapon visible? I can see feeling threatened by him if he was dressed in combat gear with AR-15s strapped to his backside, but we must ask ourselves why some feel that a young Black man wearing a cap, a polo, and shorts is a threat? Black people indeed run for fitness.

I’m all for neighbors wanting to be aware of “strangers,” but sometimes we all just need to mind our own business. Don’t tell anyone this, but there have been many times when I have walked through a new construction, too. I’m glad that no one called the police on me, or I might be a casualty. To quote a friend, those men are “Hateful with some kind of vigilante entitlement. They ruined Ahmaud’s family and their own.” Who knows? Had they minded their own business, they would have been free to be racist from the comfort of their own homes. Now they get to be racist behind bars.

#ksmithsays

The Gift of Sharing

A few months ago, I was in the midst of planning an event that turned out even better than I imagined, but it took a mental toll on me. You know who placed the most pressure on me? Me. “What if something goes wrong? It would be the worst thing ever,” so I thought. “What would people think? The horror!”

One day during one of our standing meetings, my boss asked me, “What is the priority right now?” to which I replied, “Everything.” In my mind, everything needed to be done. From this and that to everything in between, in my mind it was left up to me to do what needed to be done. Sensing my frustration he said, “You don’t have to prove anything to me,” to which I responded with tears. If you know me, that’s uncharacteristic because I’m not a crier, but in that moment it was cathartic. Pretty sure my boss, who is also a friend, wasn’t expecting that, but I’m glad it happened because it forced me to focus on the task before me.

While I’m not the best at asking for help (I’m trying to do better in that regard), I’ve learned over the years to share what’s going on in my life with my co-workers. In most instances when I have done this, they shared what’s going on with them and guess what? We all have things going on in our lives. It takes trust, but remember you don’t have to over share. It’s not necessary to share every little nook and cranny that exists in your head, but it’s important to let people know so that they will better understand.

Years ago when I worked in pharma, I participated in a team-building exercise where we learned more about my teammates. One of my colleagues shared that her mother drove behind her as she ran, which explained why she was so competitive. She couldn’t help but be intense because that was how she was wired. Can you imagine if we took the time to learn about one another on a more personal level how much better we would be as a people?

I have also worked with people who have held others at arm’s length. I get it. Some people keep their private lives private and that is their prerogative. Personally, I have always appreciated knowing so that I can encourage or support in whatever way is needed. I also fully know that there are some who will take personal information and use it against you. That’s an unfortunate situation. I shared something with someone once and I heard she told others. Lesson learned. Luckily that didn’t keep me from being open with others because I would have missed out on the joy of sharing not only the good, but the bad with others.

That in itself is a gift, to be free to share how you feel without worrying about how you are perceived, or how you will be treated. I wouldn’t call this a New Year’s resolution; I’m going to continue to be as forthcoming as I can in an effort to be my best self.

#ksmithsays

Here’s to More “Happy” Days

I can count on one hand the times that I have hosted my family on a holiday. Mainly because I don’t enjoy cooking holiday food (or much more than breakfast food if I’m totally honest). It’s also because once when I hosted, I felt tension in my home amongst a few of my guests, and I decided after that it wasn’t worth the effort. Growing up, my mother wanted all of us to gather under one roof for Thanksgiving and Christmas, and the times that it happened seemed awkward to me. It was as if some came and hated being there. The family dynamic was off. My dad wasn’t much of a conversationalist which didn’t help matters, and I don’t think we had much to talk about as a family unit. After the “what did you get for Christmas?” small talk, there wasn’t much left.

In the last few years, G and I started hosting a game night over the holidays. It’s not huge; just a few family and friends. It’s always a fun time. When I was growing up, playing games was something that we didn’t do. My siblings played Spades with their friends, but it wasn’t a family affair. Looking back, we didn’t do much as a family in general. As a result, it has taken me a long time to truly let my hair down around my siblings, primarily because I allowed myself to suffer from “Little Sister Syndrome,” a term I attribute to feeling like I didn’t have a voice. While I think my oldest brother still thinks I’m in the fourth grade, I believe he sees me as an adult now. I think.

For the first time, a family member attended game night this year, and they told me that they were on a different path and wanted to reconnect. I was glad to hear that, and I hope to see them again as we aren’t getting any younger. I think sometimes we let others cloud our judgment without taking the time to find out for ourselves. I know that I can be an acquired taste for some and that’s okay.

One thing though, I’m never going to surround myself with people in my home that don’t want to be there. I enjoyed the holiday season spending quality time with family and friends. I hope that if you hosted friends and family over the holiday break that it was a positive experience. These days shouldn’t be stressful; they should be uplifting. I look forward to more “happy” days in 2022.

#ksmithsays #HappyNewYear2022

Random Thoughts on Gratitude (and other stuff)

A year ago I shared this on social media, and it is still relevant today.

1. Over the years I have received some really thoughtful gifts and some not so great gifts. I have always tried to take into account that the giver had good intentions and I need to thank them. There’s an art to showing appreciation when you receive a gift, and you should be thankful whether you literally like it or not. It shouldn’t be hard to say, “Thank you!” Keep the “Why would you buy me this?” type comments to yourself.

2. To piggyback on that thought, I think that thankfulness is something that should be taught. I’m not sure that some of us have shown our children the value of a dollar and they aren’t entitled to anything really. If you celebrate Christmas, it should be about the true meaning. If you have a different belief system, it should most certainly be about more than what someone gives you or vice versa. It’s not cool to see a kid jerk something from you when they should say “thank you.”

3. No matter what your belief system, it’s a shame that some of us wait until December to show goodwill toward men. Why can’t we be nice and show compassion for others 365 days a year? I’m pretty sure that the Golden Rule applies to every religious doctrine. Heck, even if you don’t believe in a higher power, you should still do right by others.

4. There’s something to be said for a written note, whether it’s to say thank you or to wish someone well. I’m not a fan of preprinted thank you notes without a personal message. Since I spent the time to buy a gift, shouldn’t one take the time to personally thank me? I realize that I may ruffle some feathers with this statement, but if you’re expecting a lot of gifts for a particular occasion (weddings, graduations, etc.), plan to take the time to show gratitude.

5. Admittedly I’m not the best gift giver. Growing up there were several Christmases when there were no gifts to be opened and that was the way it was. I don’t always think about giving gifts because it wasn’t always the focus. However, I do try to be there for my family and friends when I’m needed. I’ve come to appreciate the fact that I have a solid support system no matter what’s happening in my life. Plus a gadget can’t do much for you when you need a friend.

6. I realize that during this time, those who have lost loved ones really miss them. I miss my mother randomly, and on any given day there might be a smell, sound or thought that will take me back to a special time that we shared. I hope that my friends who have recently had to say goodbye to a loved one will find comfort in the love they shared. I know it’s not easy, which is one of the reasons why I post a heart emoji, because I can never seem to find the best words of comfort. May you find joy and peace this holiday season, and even if you receive something you might be less than thrilled with, put on a happy face. Think how wonderful it is to be alive to open a gift. #ksmithsays

I’m Done!

Over the course of my life I have had to move on from relationships that I realized weren’t mutually beneficial. In some cases it was obvious. I’m not talking about friendships with those that I don’t always talk to, because when we talk, we can pick up where we left off. In this case, I’m referring to a business relationship with whom I decided to terminate after realizing that I wasn’t valued.

First of all, no one is indispensable. There are those performing services that you appreciate, but the long and short of it is that if something happened to that person, it would be relatively easy to find a replacement. Over time, you might even develop friendships with them and experience happiness, sadness and all the things. That person is only a phone call or text away. Or at least they should be, right? Especially after you have a long established business relationship. Our last communication was me stating, “I’ll let you know when I need to reschedule,” to which they replied, “Ok.”

I think that appropriate business behavior might just need to be taught. That’s a class that someone should teach for sure. Perhaps people don’t realize that it is simply the right thing to do to respond to people appropriately. Also, if you handle all of your communications, even when you’re on vacation, you just might need to reply to someone to let them know, “I’m away, but as soon as I get back, I will return your message.” Otherwise, you might as well say, “I don’t care whether or not we connect. Meh.” This makes perfect sense to some, but to others not so much. I won’t say that it’s an age thing either, because there are people of all ages who have excellent follow up.

There’s no reason why we need to beg people to take our money to do things for us. If we have to constantly contact people in multiple ways to do things for us, they don’t deserve our money or time. Obviously they don’t want to be bothered. I am fiercely loyal in some cases, but when I realize I shouldn’t be, I’m done. When I think about it, I stayed five years too long. I am much happier in my current business relationship. I am done with waiting for a week for more for someone to get back to me about anything, especially if I want to give you my hard earned money for a service. I guess it’s similar to breaking up with a person, because no one wants to be the bad guy, or at least I don’t, but I realized that life is too short to be disregarded. Do I need to say definitively, “You haven’t heard from me because you don’t respond appropriately.”? As a good friend of mine often says, “No ma’am, pressed ham.”

That’s a lesson that a person will have to learn on their own, because after 10 plus years, you should know how to TCB. Yep. I feel some kinda way about this because I’m mad at myself for stubbornly waiting for better service.

#ksmithsays

Holiday Fashion Tips

A few weeks ago I shared that I went to a ball and was ecstatic that I wore a gown that was comfortable and stylish at the same time. Even though the Omicron variant is here, I feel that we will still be celebrating at holiday parties, so it’s time for some tips on how to step out in style.

Words matter. If you’re invited to a “gala” or “ball,” that’s different from a generic party. If I’m invited to the former, I need to wear a formal dress rather than an ugly sweater. If you’re unsure, ask the host about the attire. If you’re invited to an established event, do an internet search to find past events, which should give you an idea.
Remember, foundation is key. What does this mean? Make sure that you have on the proper undergarments to achieve your desired look. If you plan to wear a bodycon (body hugging) dress, be prepared to get a body shaper if the dress is going to show every detail. You put it on, so go ahead and own the look.
Find a style that looks best on you. This season, I plan to be comfortable, and I’m already thinking about a cocktail dress that I bought a while ago that has a generous waistline and pockets. All I need is a comfortable pair of black sandals so I can do a line dance or two. 😊
Make sure your look is age appropriate. At my age I don’t want to look like a great grandmother nor like a coed. I might be able to pull off a crop top (on a good ab day) but that’s not something I’m going to do right now.
If you are a part of a couple, coordinate your outfits. If G and I have to meet at an event, you better believe I’m going to ask him what he plans to wear. For example, if he’s wearing a suit, I’m wearing something comparable and vice versa.
Guys, put forth an effort. Looking good doesn’t only apply to the ladies.

If you are wondering what looks good on you, I’d love to shop with you, virtually or in person, or feel free to text me a picture if you have questions. Remember, it’s all about looking and feeling good and enjoying the season. Stay stylish and safe, friends.

#ksmithsays

Random Thanksgiving Thoughts

I originally wrote this a year ago, but the sentiments remain the same. If you’re not out shopping, enjoy.

Random Thanksgiving Thoughts. They aren’t as lighthearted as my previous entries, and that’s okay. Plus, you’re most likely not doing much today, hopefully, so you might as well read my musings. Or don’t.

I’m thankful for friends.

Some time ago, I posted a funny meme (so I thought) that said that people should tell their friends things rather than post stuff on Facebook, and a friend commented that maybe some people don’t have a network. While I try to be socially aware of such things, that was the first time that I considered that some people don’t have cherished friendships. Admittedly some folks are attention seekers (think posts that include “Worst Day Ever!” with no explanation), but there are some who are truly crying for help. It was a true clutching of the pearls moment for me. I have a number of friends with whom I share life’s highs and lows, or who I can ask “Does this top look okay with these jeans?” and it was humbling for me to realize that others may not have that. Gosh.

I’m thankful for acceptance.

I know that for some, having to accept Kamala Harris as Vice President has been difficult. For some it’s her politics, for some it’s her gender, and for some it’s because of her race. I have been in a room sitting at a table with gentlemen who seemingly wanted to help persons of color, but barely acknowledged me as a partner. They literally did not look at me; they talked to a colleague who looked like them as if they were the translator like I spoke a different language. I learned that no matter what my title at work might be, people can’t or won’t accept me because I’m not wrapped in the traditional package. Sometimes it’s just that simple and it’s unfortunate. A wise friend shared this in response to a previous random thoughts post: “…when someone says ‘we want you at the table,’ they generally mean ‘we’re inviting you, but we own the table.’” If you’re a certain age and you’ve only seen white men in leadership, it’s probably a shock to the system. Please no comments about politics because I’ll delete it. This goes beyond that and the sooner we acknowledge this, we can talk.

I’m thankful for new experiences old and new.

When I was 14 I attended NCCJ Anytown, a week long camp. It was one of the best experiences of my life. In one exercise I was grouped with other members of my race and we were asked to separate ourselves by skin color. For example, those of a lighter hue were together, and so on and so forth. For some, it was difficult to process. For me, it brought home that while I was comfortable in my paper sack brown skin, had I been born 160 years ago, I would have been most likely picked to work in the cotton fields while someone a bit lighter would have worked in the “big house.” There’s a huge chunk to unpack here, but I might explore this in another post.

I’m thankful for family and friends who make sure I have food to eat on holidays.

My mom was a great cook. I can cook, but it’s not something I love to do. One Thanksgiving, Greg bought three big paper sacks full of greens that I had to clean as that was my contribution to the meal. I was almost in tears because I didn’t think I would clean them in time. Thankfully they turned out great (at least that’s what I was told) and I survived that ordeal. Before my friend Jayla married and moved away, she would come over on Thanksgiving Eve and guide me as I attempted to make dressing. I will always cherish the times spent in the kitchen with my mom, family and friends because it has always been about so much more than preparing a meal.

I’m thankful that my husband continues to be safe in his public-facing job.

I always breathe a sigh of relief at the sound of the garage door opening which means that he has arrived home safely. While I could spend a lot more time on this point I’ll just say it is truly a blessing.

May you pause to think on things for which you are thankful, friends. Random or otherwise. Feel free to share them with me here.

#ksmithsays

Wednesday Random Thoughts

I just saw the New Edition and New Kids on the Block performance at Sunday’s American Music Awards. Both groups look great in their older age. I loved the trench coats that NE wore. The wardrobe choice didn’t look too bulky and they still moved well. NKOTB’s outfits were age appropriate, too. I didn’t mind Jordan’s sequined T-shirt either. Now I’m thinking where I can find a tee like that for G. I can’t help but wonder if they were female groups if they would still be covered. Remember Janet Jackson in the “Pleasure Principle” video? She looked great in her black T-shirt and tight black jeans; she was covered but still looked sexy in my opinion. The Go-Go’s were inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and they are obviously older, and I was pleased to see them in their usual randomly personality-inspired and age-appropriate outfits.

King Richard is a great movie. If you’re expecting to watch a movie about Venus and Serena, keep in mind that the movie is named after their father. Shoutout to Will Smith who donned the old-fashioned tennis shorts and embodying him as well as Aunjanae Ellis who was outstanding as their mother. It was a story of a man who believed in his daughters and made decisions that he thought were best for them. Was he perfect? No, but that was never his intent. There’s a lot more that I can say about how he placed himself in situations where they were clearly out of their league, and it was of no consequence. When you’re driven and have purpose, there’s nothing you can’t achieve. It’s on HBOMax as well as in theaters.

Before internet shopping there was the Service Merchandise catalog. Every year in early November, I poured through the pages in anticipation of Christmas, dog-earing the pages of gifts that I would like. Wouldn’t you know it? I never got a thing from it, but it didn’t keep me from wishing year after year. If you don’t know what I’m referring to, I feel sorry for you because you missed out on a childhood rite of passage of not getting everything you wanted.

Someone I was familiar with unfriended me because they didn’t agree with one of my posts. For the record, they connected with me on social media, and it’s too bad that they were offended by my stance on a particular issue. As I looked back, they focused on something that had little to do with the point I was making. Meh. I was tipped off to this because I recently saw this person at an event, and they were rather dry to me, so I thought, “Lemme see if we are still ‘friends’.” Chile, they dropped me like a hot potato! I continue to have friends with whom I have dissimilar views which is what life is all about, right? That’s only one person of which I’m aware but there are probably several others and that’s okay. I’m thankful that my mere existence doesn’t depend on the number of those who agree with me. As my momma used to say, “You ain’t livin off their likes,” and this was way before social media.

Happy Thanksgiving Eve, friends!

#ksmithsays

We Failed the Assignment

Yesterday we learned that Kyle Rittenhouse was found not guilty. To quote the beloved Forrest Gump, “That’s all I’ve gotta say about that.” However, it does make me think about the importance of voting for individuals at all levels of government. Period.

I’ve been seeing the phrase, “he or she understood the assignment” a lot lately. One of my friends just posted that she told her hairstylist that she wanted highlights going into the winter and that she “understood the assignment,” (said hairstylist clearly did!) or you told your husband to clean the house and you arrived home to learn that he definitely “understood the assignment.” When it comes to voting, we as US citizens have failed to “understand the assignment,” and until we learn to vote in every election, big or small, we will continue to be underrepresented.

It’s great when we make it to the polls to vote in presidential elections. As much as we like to focus on DC, the president has little to do with our everyday lives. I don’t have access to President Biden like I do to mayors and judges right here at home. For some reason, we fail to show up to vote for officials who impact our day to day lives, and when we fail to show up, we end up with people who will only represent the voters who voted for them. I think we have seen how this plays out, right?

What are we doing, friends? Are we only concerned about posting the best selfies or if our favorite team wins? Failing to perform our civic duty might just impact our ability to enjoy the things we take for granted.

If you didn’t vote in the last mayoral election or local initiative in your respective municipality, you failed the assignment, friends, and unlike a math test that we fail, there’s no extra credit that will help. Let me go a step further: be aware of the ideals that those people running for these offices stand for, because if we don’t, we might have people who feel sympathy for people who are obviously on the wrong side of the law.

#ksmithsays