Feeling Fancy

Last night I attended a formal affair and put on a fancy dress. The best part about that particular dress is that I wasn’t worried about having to hold in my stomach the whole night. I didn’t think much about this 10 or even five years ago. Keeping weight off in older age is indeed a thing. I can remember when I could eat almost a whole box of Cheez-Its (a snack with which I have had an inappropriate relationship in years past) and not be affected. I could also skip a workout or three and still have a flat stomach. 

I have never really been a dieter, but I am mindful of what I eat. About five years ago, I enlisted the help of Lindsey Black of Lindsey Black Fitness, who helped me to think of food differently, and as a result, I now understand how important it is to have a good balance of protein, carbs and fat. Sure, I can eat a cheeseburger with fries, but what else have I eaten that day or week? Bacon is totally fine in moderation, too. 

For the past few months I’ve been trying to get back down to my “fighting weight,” which means I have about 20 more pounds to lose. It’s my own doing and I’m not going to blame it on COVID. I stopped drinking my 130 oz of water each day, drank coffee in my sugar and cream, and didn’t pay as much attention to my portions. Over time it makes a difference. It didn’t help that I had some pesky injuries that caused me not to workout like I had been accustomed to doing. I was working out as little as twice a week and told myself that was okay. I allowed myself to slip and was in a mental slump. Even though I can’t do everything I used to do, I have to keep moving. 

In a few months Greg will be celebrating a milestone birthday, and while it’s his day I of course want to look my best, too. However, I realize that even after his day has come and gone, I have to continue to make healthy choices, and not only for a special occasion. As Lindsey would say, eating and exercising for a special occasion isn’t sustainable, as we will often eat restrictively and go crazy with exercise, and after our moment is done, we go back to the same stagnant way, or maybe that’s just me. 

We are about to be in holiday mode, but I am trying to enjoy things in moderation. I don’t want to eat all I can eat and work it off in January. I need to make good choices throughout the holiday season no matter how loudly cheesecake calls my name. I also will be celebrating a certain milestone in 2023, so I’m pledging to myself to maintain my movement. I hope you will do the same.

#ksmithsays

Don’t Go it Alone

I recently learned that a woman, who I will call “Connie,” who worked in one of my past health provider’s offices, passed away early in October. It turns out that only her husband and daughter knew that she had a terminal illness. The person who told me had been her close friend for over 30 years. She said that her friend was one who took care of so many and was always there for others, but chose to keep her illness from many who loved her. 

There are many people, possibly people that I consider to be close to me, who are quietly going through personal storms. On the other end of the spectrum, I have friends who are open books. I think I fall somewhere in the middle. I remember when G was involved in a work situation, I knew that eventually friends would reach out when the news broke, but until then, I honestly enjoyed the silence. I appreciated hearing from them and realized that only meant that much more support and prayers were going up for us. 

While I may not publicly share a tough situation, I am thankful that I have a strong support network should I need them. A while ago I posted a meme that basically said to stop putting all of your business on social media and find some people to talk to, and I was reminded that not everyone has that. It was a jolt for me to realize how blessed I am to have friends. I may not talk to everyone in my “squad” everyday, or even weekly, but I know that got me if I need them. We all get caught in our own worlds and forget to check on others from time to time. I was recently reminded by a friend that I failed to check on her when she sent word by someone that she was battling an illness. She was right, and I apologized for not responding when I should. It happens to us all. 

I am sure that “Connie” had her reasons for not sharing her illness. Maybe she didn’t want people to feel pity. I can relate to that. Maybe she thought that by sharing that people would do what people do: talk. I can relate to that, too. I hope she knew that her real friends wanted to be there for her even though she thought she was sparing them her pain. Ah, the burdens we carry unnecessarily. I’m pretty sure her squad would have been honored to help lighten her load. 

#ksmithsays

“Happy” Halloween

Until recently, Halloween was never on my radar, but I think social media has made it a much bigger deal, at least to me. When I was in 8th grade, a friend had a haunted house and I remember screaming at the top of my lungs. A few years ago, I began dressing up Dottie and DiDi, and for the most part, they are good sports, especially when we give them treats for sitting for pictures. G and I have never attended a Halloween party, mostly because his work schedule over the years has always prevented that sort of thing. Another reason I don’t “celebrate” Halloween is because I don’t enjoy being scared. My brothers and sister took me to see “The Shining” years ago and ever since I’ve been leery of scary movies. 

Also, I feel that some take the opportunity to use Halloween as an excuse to be unnecessarily hateful, especially when it comes to dressing up in costumes. There have been a number of public figures who have had to apologize over the years because a picture surfaced of them in blackface or making questionable choices.  In my mind there’s no reason for anyone to paint their face any color as long as the person you are dressing up as is recognizable. I can think of a few celebrities/characters that people of all colors can be for Halloween without the use of makeup: 

Prince (purple jacket, ruffle shirt, a wig and a guitar)

Trump (orange wig, navy suit)

Any man/woman from Bridgerton (corset dress or suit, 18th century wig, etc)

A witch (hat, black lipstick, or any twist you want to add)

For the last few years, my work family has dressed up in costumes for our annual Halloween party, and I have enjoyed looking for positive images to portray.  I also have locs, so if I can find a way to integrate that in my costume, I’m all for it. A few years ago I was Stevie Wonder, and all I needed was sunglasses and a dashiki. Last year I was Queen Ramonda from Black Panther, where I channeled my inner Angela Bassett. This year, I intended on being Lady Danbury from Bridgerton, but there was a wardrobe malfunction, so G suggested that I dress as Serena Williams. She was easy because all I needed was a headband and tennis racket. I’m not crafty, so the less I can do is best for me. Having to make Queen Ramonda’s hat almost took me out, but it turned out okay. 

I enjoy a good joke, but when people take the opportunity to stoke feelings of fear and resentment, that’s where I’m drawing the line. I hope that I see only positive images this year on my social media feeds as my friends post their Halloween exploits. Let’s enjoy this time being happy that we can be outside again and watching all the little princesses, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Transformers, and all the other adorable characters I hope to see this year. That way it will truly be a Happy Halloween. 

#ksmithsays

Are You Interview Ready?

I’ve shared my opinion on homecoming and prom dresses, but after a recent experience, I’d like to share some ideas about how to dress for interviews. The pandemic has caused us to be a bit more casual, but when it comes to interviewing for a new job or opportunity, take into account that you want to make the best impression and look your best.

First, take into account the company or organization and their environment. If you’re interviewing to work for a premier fashion house in NYC, it’s okay to reflect your creativity through your clothing. If you’re going to work at a bank, your clothing choice will likely be different.  

Ultimately, dress for the position you want. I don’t care if you’re interviewing for a fry cook at your local diner, take pride in how you look. Dress like you want to own your own diner someday.

Does it make you feel special? For the last interview I had, I bought a new suit which gave me an extra pep in my step. Even if you’re interviewing virtually, don’t underestimate how wearing something new will make you feel. Don’t have the money to buy a whole outfit? Buy a new top, piece of jewelry, or something that will make you smile.

Try on your outfit before the big day to avoid any mishaps. Wouldn’t you hate it if you were getting ready and you realized there was a stain on a blouse or shirt or jacket? Trust me, if you see a stain, so will the person who is interviewing you. You don’t want anything like that to cause you to be at a disadvantage. 

Side note: If you feel the need to attach a picture to your resume or cover letter, invest in a professional headshot. I’ve seen lots of pictures taken in a car. What’s that about? Can you believe that I saw a headshot with a filter that made someone look like they didn’t have a nose? Talk about awkwardness. 

A couple of things to avoid: anything too tight or too low cut. Guys, that goes for you, too. If you’re tugging at anything, don’t bother as it will be too distracting. If you have questions about what to wear, reach out to someone you trust, or reach out to me. I would love to help you look your best for your next potential opportunity. 

#ksmithsays

Who Set the Standard?

Years ago when I was working in the library in college, one of my coworkers said to me, “You’re pretty for a Black girl.” I was taken aback. I don’t remember my response, but I took his statement to mean that I was pretty “even though” I’m Black. Over the years I’ve heard people say that about all races. “He’s cute to be a White guy,” or “She is a beautiful Asian woman,” are just a few examples. 

As far as women are concerned, have there been different standards of beauty for different races? Is it possible that certain aspects that make a Black woman unique have been widely accepted by all? For years, no one wanted a full backside or full lips. Now plastic surgeons have built their lifeblood on creating this look. 

I love the reality show Botched about plastic surgeries gone wrong because for the most part, there are people who really need procedures because of a disfigurement or because they didn’t go to the right doctor. I also love Dr. Pimple Popper for that very reason but I’ll admit that I’m a “popoholic” and love to watch all the gooey stuff come out, but let me get to the point. 

What about the people who are already nice looking but still find things wrong with either their faces or their bodies? If Michael Jackson felt comfortable looking like he did on the Off the Wall album, he most likely would still be with us. I get that he had vitiligo, but it’s horrible that he was literally uncomfortable in his own skin. 

I have learned in my life to never say never, but I have seen some folks go too far when undergoing plastic surgery. Before you get bent out of shape, I’m not saying plastic surgery is wrong: I want my family and friends to do what makes them happy. I was surprised to see Tori Spelling emerging looking a LOT like Khloe Kardashian (who also looks a LOT different now). What’s that about? I understand the need to change it up a bit, but changing your face to look exactly like someone else? In both of their cases, they didn’t always have full lips and round backsides.  In the same vein, it’s hard to look at Lil’ Kim now; she has morphed into someone unrecognizable to me. She was downright adorable when she first entered the music scene. 

As women, we place so much pressure on ourselves to fit in a certain box. The standard of beauty has indeed changed over the years. Slender backsides used to be the thing, but now we have everybody and their mommas literally getting butt injections. We can’t get away from it: from commercials to movies, to just being outside, you wonder who has set this standard that a lot of us are trying to achieve. 

Being a woman is hard: what do we do when our main squeeze leaves us for someone younger or we lose a job because of our age? How do we respond? 

As for me, there’s no point in trying to keep up with a woman that is much younger than me. We are two different people with different perspectives and experiences. Growing older should be thought of as a positive thing rather than something we must fight. The takeaway is that we should aim to be our best; not for others but for ourselves. 

I started this off on one topic but ended on another so thanks for sticking with me through this. The takeaway is that it’s important to feel comfortable in your own skin for YOU and no one else. There’s a lot more to be said about this, possibly in future entries. 

#ksmithsays 

Photo by Deon Black on Unsplash

In Memory of Lou

My mother, Lou Hattie, would be 80 years old on October 21 had she lived. Around this time every year, I find myself thinking of her and the things she taught me. I have lots of pictures of her, but unfortunately iPhones weren’t around then so I don’t have any videos of her, but she lives on vividly in my mind. As I have grown older, all I have to do is look in the mirror and she’s there.

I’ve said this before, but I always knew that my mother was smart, but over the years, I’ve come to realize that she was downright brilliant.  I’m the youngest of six (my oldest sister died in a car accident at 6 months old and my oldest brother drowned when he was 14 and I was three) and while some babies of the family want to chart their own course and find their own way, I was one that observed and learned by watching. 

I learned to trust my mother’s instincts. She told us who was/wasn’t our friend or who we should not hang around, and 9/10 times she was right. We didn’t always listen to her, and some of us are still living with the ramifications of ignoring her alarms.

I wish that I had spent more time asking her about how it was for her growing up. She always told us that she wanted us to have an easier time than she, and that we needed to get an education so we didn’t have to work as hard as she did. I am 10, 8 and 6 years younger than my brothers and my sister, so for a long time, it was just me at home. I would imagine that she evolved as a parent and by the time I came along I definitely got the mellower side of her. My siblings would tell you that they got spanked a lot more than me, but remember me saying that I learned from them? 

During my K-12 years, she was very involved in my education, often telling my teachers that they could discipline me if they needed to, but after high school, it was left up to me to maneuver how I handled things at school. I shared with her my struggles, and she would offer her advice, but she never inserted herself.  I’ll imagine she spent a good deal of time praying for all of us, as I’ve learned that is all you can do in some situations. All of that time spent on her knees praying for me during that time was her involvement. 

I also learned from her how to manage. For several years, she endured complications from diabetes, which spawned other conditions such as congestive heart failure and renal failure, but yet she persisted.  Near the end of her life we spent our share of time in the hospital, and I’m pretty sure she was in a lot of pain, but as I said, yet she persisted. I would hope to be that brave. If you know me at all, you know that I strive to be my best fit self to avoid going down the same road as she had to travel. 

Mom left this earth 22 years ago. She wasn’t perfect. She wasn’t always nice. In fact she was downright stubborn. G will tell you that at certain times that I sound just like her, and it’s usually when I start to fuss.  I am my mother’s daughter. I’m thankful that she made the most of her time while on earth to impress upon us the importance of being the best we could be.  

I would love to hear things you have learned from your mother or any influential woman in your life. They taught us well and we would be wise to listen. 

#ksmithsays

Random Thoughts (in no particular order)

Do people really go into bathrooms and splash their faces with cold water? Every tense show or movie I watch has at least one character who rushes in the bathroom to do this. 

Make sure you have a professional picture of your child or at least one where they aren’t making a duck face if they ever turn up missing. This is obvious as to why I’m saying this. 

I recently had a friend request from someone who listed that they were an “arthur” in their bio. I didn’t know them, but I felt a strong desire to ask them if they meant “author.” If you don’t know the difference, Google them both.

I have never watched a full episode of either “Friends” or “Seinfeld.” Neither of them appealed to me. I also wish I liked “The Office” as much as Comedy Central shows it. 

If you want to know what people think about you, be around their children when they aren’t around. You’ll find out quickly. Oftentimes it’s confirmation.

#ksmithsays

Homecoming or ‘Hoco’

I have fond memories of high school, but there is no way in H-E-double hockey sticks that I would elect to return to those days. I feel for any teenage girl in any high school USA these days for obvious reasons. Social media and bullying are two things that come to mind that make it even more difficult to be a kid nowadays. 

All these homecoming posts (or “Hoco” for short) now make me think about my time in high school and how body wise, what little I thought I had doesn’t compare to some young women today. I mean, some of your daughters might have baby faces but are built like grown women. I’m just calling it like I see it. Just because your babies have breasts and rear ends like they look to be in their 20s, doesn’t mean that they have to dress like it. I know I’m old-fashioned, but the top two things I’d rather not see for homecoming (or really anytime are):

A deep neckline. We don’t need to see little Susie’s boobies, even if they aren’t plentiful. While I’m cringing at what you proudly posted, there’s most likely a creepy dude who might live near you who is admiring little Susie. 

A dress that’s too short. If little Susie (just going to stay with this name because I don’t personally know any Susies) can’t cross her legs without anyone being able to see her goodies, y’all know it’s too short! It doesn’t matter what size they wear. 

Bonus: a dress that’s too short with a deep neckline. (When I’m on vacation, this rule doesn’t apply, but I’m grown so mind ya business.)

Your babies have all the time in the world to look older than they are. When they’re in college, they’ll have plenty of opportunities to wear what they want. If you buy it, I’m thinking you don’t see anything wrong with it, which is troublesome in my mind. 

A friend of mine commented that we place too much emphasis on how girls and women look. To some degree I agree with her, but I don’t see boys and men wearing revealing clothing. I think the issue is expressing to your kids that there is an appropriate time and place for everything. Mommas, grandmothers, g-mamas, aunties, cousins, daddies, sugar daddies, whoever is buying these dresses, stop trying to live vicariously through your daughter, granddaughter, sister, cousin, niece, or friend. If you couldn’t wear a dress with your boobies hanging out because yo mama said you couldn’t, is it okay for little Susie? 🤷🏾‍♀️

Fellas, I don’t want to leave you out. When it comes to Homecoming wear I guess the trend is still the Pee Wee Herman style suit. If you like it, good for you. Not my cup of tea. Call me conservative, but I’ll always like a nice fitting pair of pants that don’t reveal ashy ankles.  

#ksmithsays

Sick Days Don’t Always Mean Sniffles

A couple of months ago I did a thing. 

I used an old fashioned sick day. I didn’t have a fever, a runny nose, or anything physical. I was just tired.  We need to legitimize taking a sick day if we just aren’t feeling it. 

I don’t make a habit of using sick days. I honestly felt weird about it because with all of the ways we can still remain connected, you feel pressure to be present. Zoom has been a blessing and a curse in that way. 

What I do with my sick days is my business, but I only use them when I have to. (What you do with your sick days is your business, too. No judgment from me on how you use them.) If I wanted, I could use an entire week or more, but that’s not me. Comedian Lavelle Crawford has a joke about folks using sick days to go to Jamaica. I guess you could say that was for self care but I’m not that bold. I don’t want to be in a situation where I need sick days but I don’t have any because I misused them. 

When I went back to work I was refreshed and ready to tackle the rest of the week. I realize that there are those who don’t have the luxury of taking a sick day. Not reporting to work=no pay. If you’re a boss and your people decide to use a sick day and it’s not required that they tell you why, leave them alone.  

I believe this pandemic has caused a lot of us to take stock in how we feel and how we want to be treated. I think more people should take a day if they need to. It might lead to less violence in the workplace if we could give each other some grace (and ourselves) from time to time. 

#ksmithsays

One Last Look

This is a departure from my mostly lighthearted posts, so read with caution. 

For some people, death is an uncomfortable topic. For me, I’ve had to face it probably more than others, as my mother passed away 22 years ago and it has been six years since my father passed away. As a church musician, I’ve had to play piano at more funerals than I can count. This past week, a childhood friend of mine passed away as well as a cousin, so this topic is fresh on my mind. 

I grew up in the Baptist church, and one tradition that I never understood is the practice of reopening the casket after the eulogy. I realize that a number of my friends have never attended a funeral like this, so this may not resonate. For my church going friends, to me it seems to be an insult to injury. Allow me to elaborate. 

At most of the funerals that I have attended, there’s a general pattern: processional, prayer, scripture, choir selections, resolution, short talks, silent reading of the obituary, eulogy, recessional. The period between the eulogy and recessional is the issue. If the eulogy is appropriately delivered, family and friends should feel hopeful that their loved one is in a better place. Even if you don’t believe in the afterlife, the eulogy should at least provide you with some peace. Granted, you know full well that your loved one has died, but depending on what you believe, you will see them again. 

However, a lot of families feel the need to reopen the casket after the eulogy, I guess to say a final goodbye. Isn’t this counter productive? Why would you want that to be the last memory you have of your loved one? This is my opinion, but reopening the casket is like ripping a bandaid off a brand new wound. 

Families: if people don’t get to the funeral in time to see the dearly departed, you don’t owe them a final view. It’s always sad to watch people walking by the family waving,  hugging, and looking upon them with sympathy. I thought this was only a “Black thing,” but after talking about this somber subject with an old friend, it happens in Caucasian churches as well. 

I’m willing to bet that a number of you have endured the passing of a loved one in this past year. Whether it has been due to Covid or another condition, or unexpected tragedy. Mom had a prolonged illness but passed suddenly while Dad faded away over time. I can’t say I prefer either way of having to say farewell. For both of their homegoings (which is what I prefer to call them instead of funerals) we had the viewing beforehand. I can tell you that if we had opened up those caskets, it would have triggered feelings of extreme sadness and possibly regret. We didn’t need that following us for the rest of our lives. 

Funerals are a way to remember how special our loved ones are to us, not to focus on the fact that you will never see them again. Why not keep that bright smile, those dimples, or whatever distinguishing characteristics in your head? Trust me, that last view doesn’t compare to the person you knew and loved. 

#ksmithsays