This is the 24th Mother’s Day that my mom has been away, and as I have shared before, these times are mostly happier than sad. Today, I’d like to think of the last gift that she gave me in her absence: independence.
G and I dated for quite some time and Mom knew him and loved him. While she wasn’t thrilled with his choice to go into law enforcement (because she knew it was a demanding job) I believe she was happy that her baby girl was in a loving relationship and wholeheartedly supported us. He proposed in December 1998 and she passed away in April of 1999, five months before our wedding in September. Before she left, she was involved in the big details: she helped me pick out my wedding dress, knew where I would be married, helped me decide what type of wedding I wanted to have, etc.
In the back of my mind, I wanted to experience (or at least I thought I did) what it was like to live alone, as I stayed home while I was in college. For me, it was the most affordable option because if not, I would have had to work full time or take out loans while I was in school, and both of those would have prevented me from graduating when I planned. I have no regrets and needed to be at home because during that time her health took several turns, so I am thankful that I was able to be there for those ER runs and hospital stays.
Mom and I toured several apartment complexes and I wanted her opinion about where I would be living. I don’t believe that I explicitly stated that the apartment that she was helping me find would be for G and I to live in before we married, so as far as she was concerned, she was helping to find my home as a married woman. I remember it like yesterday when Greg and I decided to break the news to her together. She was sitting in her favorite chair watching television. It went exactly like this:
I said, “Mom, Greg and I have decided that we are going to move in together before the wedding and we wanted you to know before we sign anything.”
She replied calmly, “No, you’re not.”
That was the end of it. We didn’t try to convince her because nothing we said would have changed her mind. She reminded me that we had plenty of time and we wouldn’t be saving the money we thought we would by moving in together. While that might have been okay for some parents to accept, Lou Hattie Wallace wasn’t having it. I knew all too well what “No, you’re not” meant, and I was not going to challenge it.
On April 12, 1999, Mom passed away and suddenly, I was alone in the house. While I stayed by myself during her hospital stays, this was a different feeling because I knew that she would never return. It was a drastic change, and for the first few weeks, Greg stayed with me because I was in a fog that eventually lifted. For approximately five months, I learned to survive on my own. Truth be told, had I moved out of the family home into Greg’s apartment, I wouldn’t have known what it was like to live by myself anyway. I wasn’t truly alone because my brothers and their families lived behind us and literally up the street, but for the first time it was me navigating life; paying utility bills, making my own food (boy how I miss Mom’s cooking) and learning to be okay with being by myself. This is not how I wanted to experience living alone, but when I think about it, it was what I needed. I would encourage anyone to experience life “on your own,” whether it is living in a dorm, apartment, or even your own home for a time before living with anyone, especially your spouse. I am much better for it.
Thanks, Mom, for that final gift. It means more to me than you’ll ever know, but I think you knew all along.
#ksmithsays
ksmithsays 
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